Wednesday, December 30, 2009

This is a picture one of my students drew of me during a class, instead of paying attention. I cant blame her though, that class is borrring!

I have to follow a text book and CD rom, both rife with mistakes and awkward Englishee phrases. It is boring and totally irrelevant to my students lives.

My students don't care if Yeppie messed up Sujin's garden. They would rather eat Yeppie than apologize to Sujin in Englishee. In fact they would just like to eat Yeppie even if Yeppie did not mess up the Garden.

Today was the last day of class for my Kids, except they all have to come to Englishee conversation class for the next two weeks. They also have to take two tests on the entire textbook over Winter vacation. They are pissed, and I think its hilarious. I feel sorry for them, I do, but it was soo funny to see the looks on their faces as my Co-teachers announced the annihilation of their winter Vacations.

Today we had our end of the year ceremony and there was Tok and radishes in brine in the teachers lounge. My Vp game me a heaping plate of Tok covered in some sort of bean dust, and a nice tall cup of radish and brine water. I politely accepted the offering, even though eating tok is like eating rubber covered with chalk. They all started jabbing their chopsticks and dipping their cups in the big bowl radish pickles. They slurped and smacked their lips loudly, enjoying the salty, backwashy goodness. Gee I wonder how swine flue got spread around so much in this country?

Later I dumped out my cup in the sink, while the tok sat like lead in my belly.I probably will be constipated for the next month. Thanks everyone!

Monday, December 28, 2009

Just when I get totally fed up...

I find out I am only teaching one class today. Normally on Tuesdays, like Monday and Friday I have 3 classes (heavy workload). My morning class was canceled, and my co-teacher says that the last class of the day is canceled as well. So that leaves one class right after lunch.

We are teaching the reading section of our textbooks for that one class today, and I don't do the reading part, so I am just riding shotgun in the class. All I am going to do is maybe read a few sections, ask a couple of questions, and stand there with a bored look on my face as my co-teacher translates everything into Korean.

Its a rough life. I have to put up with a lot of bull shit at this job, but it is the easiest fucking gig I have ever had.

My co-teacher even has it rougher. The poor lady is a temporary teacher, so she shows up 5 minutes before her first class starts (yesterday about 10 am, today around 9:30) and leaves when the last class is over (yesterday about 3pm, today the same probably). She still gets her hour lunch, so that makes such a long day more tolerable, but still such harsh conditions!

Its funny how the adminstration throws a shit fit if we leave early or don't come to school when there are no classes, but the a native Korean teacher can come and go as they please. Although she is plenty pissed that she has to come to two weeks of my conversation classes, she probably had a vacation planned! LOL!

Christmas presents

When my sister in law returned to the states, my wife and I bought about $100.00 worth of fancy korean rice cakes, cookies and fermented bean paste thingies from the Hyundai department store. They were all in fancy packaging with Englishee descriptions of the contents. One description said that "the taste is quite tedious", and I wish I read that before I bought the darn things.

All my wife's family and my parents and younger brother were at her aunt's house for Chirstmas, so we thought they would love to try something new, fancy and exciting. Well my sister in law brought them out, and apparently only two people tried them, (two of my wife's cousins) and they said "they taste weird". No shit they taste weird, they are made out of fucking rice, like every god damn thing in this country.

My parents and brother showed up late, so my sister in law held back a box to give to them. They tried the candies and liked them. They also thought they were weird tasting, but good. For 100,000 won they better god damn taste good!

One of the best parts of traveling to other countries is trying the local foods. And if you are not the one traveling, to have strange delicacies sent to you is the next best thing. To not even taste something that was sent over 3000 miles, just for you is unforgivable in my book.

I cannot even find images of the stuff we sent over, and I really wanted to post some, they were so cool looking. They looked like eggs, and kiwis with flowers and fancy designs.

And people say koreans are afraid to try new things.

Its goddam candy, how bad could it taste? Its not like the shit is filled with kimchi and dog testicles. Well maybe a couple of them are, but still that would be something you never could forget, even if you wanted to.

Dave eats pieces of shit like you for breakfast, and you are what you eat. The mods at ESL cafe get off two girls one cup style.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Worst Christmas Vacation EVAR!

My Vice principle must hate children. Winter camps were canceled, but because of the administration and their new attendance policy over Vacation for ESL teachers, the VP instated the mandatory Englishee conversation classes.

Today we had a new announcement. Not only do the Kids have to come to school and practice Englishee for 3 hours a day for 3 weeks of their vacation, they will also have to take a test on what they learned. Twice.

That's right they have two tests that they will be graded on over the "Winter Break". How are classes and two tests a break? I really could not tell you.

Although it really sucks for the kids, I could not help but laugh at their disbelief and crying over the news. I could not imagine having to do this shit over my Christmas break! Oh wait, I have to teach the classes. I probably have to come up with the test as well. I will probably also become the most hated person in the school, since I will be associated with the pain and misery of these classes.

Well I guess it sucks to me as well.

Dave is a cunt.

My vice principle

When I first started work, my Vice Principle had me sit down with her and enjoy a snack of tea and tok. She then started to tell me what to expect of the Korean children at our school in broken English. She told me to not be offended by the children because they like to touch each other, and will probably want to get their filthy swine flue ridden hands all over me. That really did not turn out to be true. The only time one of the kids have touched me is when one little girl poked me in the belly. I guess she wanted to see if I giggled like the Pillsbury dough boy.

She then told me to be very careful about touching the kids. I really did not think that was a problem. I have no desire to touch these kids at all.

"You be vely calfur about the touchee."

"Oh I dont think that will be a problem." I have no desire to touch children, I dont even hug the ones I got at home. I just wave at them from across the room, that's good parenting.

"In the news, I saw a teacher get fired. He touch a gilr on hip."

"Wow, he only touched her on the hip?" That seemed pretty harsh to get fired for just an accidental hip touching.

"Yes it vely big scandal, he get filed onry fol touchee on hip."

"That is terrible, I will be very careful about that." I said, now scared out of my mind about even brushing up against a child.

"Yes, he chase her, he ran aftel her vedy faah and he touch her hip."

So the dude actually ran down a terrified 13 year old, so he could rub his jinro soaked hands on the poor child's hips. Ok, maybe the dude should be fired.

I was more than a little insulted that my VP, who had known me all of 3 days, thought there was a chance that I might be running down her students and touching their hips. I know I might be a filthy foreigner, but it falls within the realm of common sense not to molest my students. You don't shit where you eat.

Of course other schools are fair game.

Dave is a filthy hip touching foreigner, and all the mods at the ESL cafe have a hip touching fetish as well.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

East coast

My wife and I were in bed this morning, I was reading, and she was fucking around on the internets. While she was fucking around we got a skype call. It was her brother in law from the East coast.

For those of you who don't know what skype is or how it works, you probably are not reading this blog anyway. You are probably hiding in a cave somewhere living "off the grid" and plotting against the government, while reading the Anarchist's cookbook.

My wife's brother in law, is actually a half brother in law, because my Mother in Law was a wicked terrible slut and had like 6 kids with 4 or 5 different guys, and is on her 7th marriage. No shit.

She also use to raise foster children that no one else wanted. Why did no one else want them? Because they were insane or retarded. They were drug babies and children who were molested or their parents were murdered in front of them like dexter. Most of them had either attempted to murder another child, or molested one. And you wonder why my wife is so fucking weird.

Anyway he called from Boston, where they live. He just finished school, he is a Physical therapist now. Well not yet, first he has to take a test that costs a grand. On top of owing over $110,000 plus interest. He will make about $58,000 a year once he gets his license. Her sister is going into a similar field and will owe about and make about the same. When all is said and done the pair will owe around 300K and make around 100K a year.

With the cost of living on the East coast and their loans and taxes the poor kids will be barely making ends meet. I feel sorry for them. They had to work so hard, and pay so much money, just to make a semi decent wage in the US.

It really sucks too start out your married life owing enough money to buy two houses in California or a couple city blocks in Detroit.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009


Kay I was just sitting here reading Danielle's Blog when one of students comes up to me.
Then she jabs her little kimchi finger on my face, and then shows me that it is covered with goo. WTF? She then runs off and I think she rubbed it on a couple other faces. I ask some of the milling students what the fuck was that? Hoping desperatly that it was not a body fluid, but rather some sort of skin conditioner or something.

They tell me its cream, and it sounds like they are saying "Shoe cream"? I point at my foot, "Shoe cream?" I ask.

"No, no" they discuss it amongst them selves and try "Cake cream?"
"Frosting?" I ask, and they nod yes. I just got a money shot of frosting across my cheek? WTF? I swear I will never understand these kids. At least I get to go home now, for 3 whole days. YAY!

Merry X-mas everyone. Except dave and the esl cafe mods. Fuck you guys. I hope you all get beat downs for christmas.

My wife is a secret lesbian

Last night I was all warm and cozy, all tucked into bed. My wife decided to crawled over me to get to her side, as she straddled me, she began to viciously dry hump me in the ass. Now this might come as a surprise to you, but not to me. She always does this. Every fucking time.

Night after night I get pretend sodomized by my wife. Every chance she gets, she vigorously, and often painfully grinds against my ass, hip or junk. Why does she do this? It's quite simply because she is a semi-closeted lesbian. I say semi because of this. She often tells me of a fem crush she has, she loves watching the L word, she is an Ellen fan, and a liberal. Do I need any more proof?

All I ask for is if she does finally get up the gumption to go ahead and have a lesbian love affair, that I get a taste too. Would it be too much to ask? To get thrown into the mix, I mean after all there is only so much that licking and fisting can accomplish before you need a hairy sweaty man to come in and finish up. At least let me be a towel boy or something. If that is not cool maybe let me video tape it, but at the very least get to watch. It would be only fair.

Dave is a cunt, the ESL cafe is for retarded glen beck fans (redundant?). All the mods at the ESL cafe can only orgasm from watching household animals fuck. Seriously, they need to watch kitty porn to jerk off. Its sick man. Do you really want to be judged by these people? They pop a boner every time sparky humps a leg. Its fucked up.

Riddle me this?

My head Englishee Teacher wanted me to prepare an "Englishee Kiz" for the Pop song contest on Monday. I needed to "come up with" 20 riddles and "humorous" and "challenging" questions to ask the students for "prize of Snack".

"Fine" I said, "no problem", apparently forgetting what country I lived in and who I worked for. Like every time my head teacher wants me to do anything, she prints out a million copies of past examples she prepared. When she says "come up with" she means use these ones she prepared. When she says "humorous" she means not funny at all. When she says "challenging" she means make it so fucking easy that a retarded person with no English language ability should have no problem answering the question.

But being the stupid foreigner I am, I spent hours yesterday, in fact more time than I had ever spent on anything I have done here preparing for this quiz, inbetween updating my facebook of course. I probably spent two whole hours looking for funny riddles and dumbing them down for the kids.

I turned my first draft in. She did not even read them and told me they were too challenging. How do I know she did not read them, because I asked her which ones were too challenging, then she actually read them. And decided half of them were OK. She wanted me to switch out the too difficult ones with these, and I use the term loosely "riddles".

These are not edited.
1. Monkey like this fruit, it is long and yellow. Can you guess the answer?

How about this brain buster?

2. This Alphabet comes before D.
3. I am yellow. Mouse like me a lot. I am made from milk. Sometimes I smell bad. People like to eat me inside a hamburger or sandwich.

Here are the riddles that were too difficult.

1. A farmer carries a sack of grain to the barn, and his son carries two sacks. The farmer is carrying more weight than his son, why?
2. A young thief was caught and sentenced to death. The king let him choose how he would die. What would be the best way?
3. If a plane crashes on the border of North and South Korea, in which country should they bury the survivors?

Here is one that my Head teacher still cannot figure out.

A farmer had 17 sheep, and all but 9 died. How many are left?

A couple of those are pretty hard, but there are more than a few kids in my classes who excel at English, and I believe they could figure them out. But whatever in Kim chi Land you do as the Kim chi tells you.

Dave is a bastard. The ESL cafe is where good ideas go to die. All the mods are little kim chi dicks.

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

I had a dream

Since I have been in Kimchi land I have had the weirdest dreams. Last night I dreamed that evil hippos operating a backhoe were trying to burn down my house. I stopped them by stealing one of their babies. Why were they trying to burn down my house? Because I had discovered that in 1977 the Government had tried to use a stimulus package like they are today, only they used it to pay artists and writers to create a catalog of free art works and novels for the populace. Some how it was covered up, but I found one of the old catalogs.

I do not have class again today, I have 4 classes tomorrow though. It is going to be a tough day though, we are going to combine all the classes tomorrow. I have to teach them Jingle bell rock, Hey Jude, and Dancing queen. That is a lot of material to get through. I cant believe how hard this job has gotten. I don't know if I can do it much longer, but I don't get vacation until the end of January. Man I am already exhausted from this intense schedule.

I have been baking bread lately, each loaf has been better than the last. The one I made last night was perfection. It was a nice light crusty loaf, chewy and tasty. It was not at all like the shitty bread you get in this country. It all tastes like wonder bread and is sickeningly sweet. I am glad to be a master baker again.

Dave is a piece of shit, the ESL cafe is for child molesters and Glen Beck fans, I wouldn't piss on any of the mods if they were on fire.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Sexy time

Yesterday after the ordeal with the test kwestions, I went home early! First I got invited to lunch.

"Would you rike to have runch with us?"

"Oh I dont know, what is lunch?"

"It is lice soup and Kim-chi."

"Oh that sounds good."

"With the juice of chicken, and dog."

"You know what, I am not really hungry."

I hear that Korean men eat the dog soup to Increase their Libidos and cure hangovers. I guess they are somehow related. But I need no help with my Libido my friend. I went home yesterday, and the kids were at Piano, my sister in Law was back in the states, and my wife was alone, in the bedroom. I was in the mood for some afternoon delight.

"Hi honey"

"What are you doing here?" (she is speaking to me again)

"I got out early, lets fuck."


"Why not"

"The kids are at piano, so I am writing my final." My wife, unlike me has no TESOL certification, and therefore gets 100,000 won less than me each month. In her contract it says once she gets a TESOL or TEFL 100 hour certification, she gets that bump in pay.

"All I am asking for is 5 minutes of your time."

"Quit trying to distract me, I have procrastinated enough, and I need to finish this!"

Dejected and neglected, I went to the living room and masturbated. I should have expected it though, I have been married for almost 13 years now. We already had sex this month, twice. Remember how angry she was at me for my Soju bender, well the night Asmith blogged about us we made sweet sweet love. I am not giving Asmith credit for it though, it was just a coincidence. That man doesn't need his ego to get any bigger than it already is.

It took me about a year to learn how to make that woman Cum during intercourse, but 13 years later, she had about 8 orgasms that night. The trick is getting the first one, I would compare the woman to a diesel engine on a cold winters day. It wont turn over until you get it nice and heated up, that oil needs to be nice and hot so that all the parts are lubricated and turning, and once you get that first ignition things run nice and smooth.

Then we had sex the following morning. She had 10 orgasms in the morning, which is surprising because she is not a morning person.

So I probably wont get another crack at it until Christmas, but you never know, I might have to wait till new years, if she reads this entry.

The ESL cafe is for queers, and chronic masturbaters. Dave and all the mods put the bag in Douchebag.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Pop song contest

What the fuck is up with this job. It is literally the easiest job I have ever had in my life. For example my job today is to look up english pop songs to show the class. I have all day to find 3 songs, one old pop song (Michael Jackson's smooth criminal), a Christmas song ( jingle bell rock), and a new pop song (I am still trying to choose one). Thats my job. Thats all I have to do. No classes yesterday, today, Monday or Tuesday.

At the most some days I will work four hours, usually its just 3 hours. Working for the school, I get paid less than at a some schools, but for only working 3 to 4 hours a day, with a month of paid vacation, sick days and such, who cares. I can deal with what 1 to 2 hundred dollars less a month for the lack of stress, and easiness of the work.

Looking up pop songs, are you fucking kidding me? I get paid for this?

Silent treatment

Since my escapade with the good boys at the Jinro corporation's fine product Jinro Original, I will accept substitutes, my wife has been giving me the silent treatment. I dont really know why she thinks that is a punishment though.

Usually when we have dinner, she likes to monitor exactly how much food I have. She then enjoys complaining that I have taken too much. If I sit away from her, she will march over to me and peer into my bowl, mentally (emphasis on mental) calculating the proportion of dinner I have acquired for myself. Sometimes she will ask the children if they wanted more food, If no one says that they would enjoy more food, she then demands it for herself, regardless if there is any left in the pot or pan, she just wants mine. Last night she said nothing. I was able to eat my fill, and was not harassed in the slightest. It was a welcome relief.

I then decided to play games on my Xbox 360. She normally starts complaining almost immediately. I played until the graphics of Grand theft auto 4 started to give me motion sickness. She will play for hours on end, when she finds a game she likes. If I play, or our kids play for more than 15 minutes she grows incredibly upset. Last night she said nothing, it was a welcome relief.

I then retired to the bedroom. I watched silly videos on college humor, until I grew sleepy. Normally she follows me around wherever I go. She usually drags her own laptop with her, but monitors what I watch or do, complaining about the content, calling it stupid, and demanding that I watch some boring chick flick she downloaded. Sometimes she wants to watch episodes of the daily show, or some other program I enjoy, but then decides to do ten other things at the same time. She flits about while I sit bored waiting for her return. We watch about five minutes of the program, then she runs off again and demands it to be paused. A 22 minute episode of the daily show usually lasts a good hour to hour and 1/2. So last night I was able to watch videos uninterrupted and it was a welcome relief.

All in all I would say the silent treatment is working out pretty well for me. Sure there is no sex, but I have been married for almost 13 years so there is no sex anyway, silent treatment or not.

PS. Dave at ESL cafe is a douche, all the mods are douches, and anyone who still posts on it is a douche. Fuck dave, fuck the esl cafe, all the mods can go to hell.

감귤한알푸딩 = Feeling orange grudge the pudding which will know.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Nobody tells me shit.

I am not really complaining, I came in hungover, so I really dont care that I have not had a single class yet today. Will I have a class? I don't know, because as I mentioned in the title of this little essay, nobody tells me shit.

So I sit in my Englishee lab, isolated from the rest of the school, children's voices echoing through the hallways, running like "Johmbies" when the lunch bell rings. I sit and surf and eat and drink, it is peace full.

Will I have to make up these classes later? I don't know. Nobody tells me shit. I have not even seen my co-teachers today, I sat in the office for a little while and when I looked up the place was empty. My first class was suppose to start at 9:25 so I moseyed on down to the lab. It is darn near 12:20 and no one has shown up. Will they show up? I don't know, nobody tells me shit.

I have been perusing other peoples blogs, I am starting to get bored, but must fight the temptation to go to the fucking piece of shit garbage ESL cafe, where overlord cunt Dave sits with his stupid, smug, ugly face. He is looking down on you while he punishes those who dare to ask interesting and bold questions, while leaving the boring and plain to fester in mindless comments while stroking each others egos in a giant online circle jerk.

Maybe there is a new episode of Colbert up, I think I will check. I am not allowed to watch the daily show, unless my wife is present. But I think she cheats on me and watches Stewart at her office. I will catch her one of these days...

As promised

돈드림비엔나소시지 "The money BN Nassau giving is not sour" some sort of sausage, and they must not be sour?

Off the wagon

OK lets get a couple of things out of the way, #1 Dave and all the Mods at the ESL cafe are fucking cunt bitches. They should all take a ride down a slide covered with razor blades. #2 from babble fish and Icoop...well Icoop is not working right now, so I will have to do that later.

When I fuck up, I like to do an amazing job of it. Like most Englishee teachers in ROK, I like to read an Idiots tale by Asmith. For those of you who don't know, Asmith likes to sing praise to the Jinro company for their manufacturing of a little product know as Soju. South Korea is practically run on Soju, these people pour it on their breakfast cereal, its so good. Instead of breastfeeding, they give their kids Soju they trust the product so much. I decided to try a bottle last night.

To say that Soju tastes good, is like saying that you hate your tongue, and want to punish it. Sweet mother soju goes down like a cup of lighter fluid. Despite its wonderful taste, I managed to down a whole bottle of the shit while making dinner.

Warning: don't drink Soju on an empty stomach.

Like my wife (who I love, sorry dear!) Soju neither goes down easy, or stays down easy. I sat down to eat my dinner, and after a couple of bites, I decided that I want a glass of water. When I got up, to my surprise my legs stopped working so good. I wobbled to the kitchen sink and got a glass of water. Then I wobbled back to my dinner.

My wife, who was unaware of my little experiment wanted to know "what the fuck was wrong" with me. Things get hazy after this point. I think I told her I was drinking, or that I had a cold or something. I don't know. What I do know is a little while later I find myself bowing to the porcelain god, and revisiting my dinner experience. Then I wake up at about 2:00am, under the covers and alone.

As my children are in Seoul with their aunt right now, my wife decided to sleep in their bed. No morning nookie for me I guess. So far today she has not said a single word to me. Thats OK though, I have a splitting headache and my throat hurts from all the throwing up I did last night.

Stay tuned for next weeks adventure "Mokkoli"!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009


First of all I would like to say what a fucking cunt Dave and all the MODs are at the ESL cafe. I hope you all die from an incredibly bad herpes infection.

Second of all I think I will post a funny translation of products from Icoop by babble fish every day from now on. Today's is 토종가시오가피 and this product translates as "The toe head family city comes and goes, the blood" sounds good, I think I will order some.

The main reason I packed up the family and moved to Korea was to make money. Back in the states I was one of the few employed. In fact I had two jobs. I worked full time as a Carpenter and part time as a Building Coordinator.

Even though I worked around 60 hours a week, we were not able to save any money. I actually made between 3,500-4,200 dollars per month, had health insurance but still could not save a fucking dime.

The government took about 1/3 of my check each month, I had to pay rent, car insurance, for gas, food, etc. Anything that was left from my check went to our credit card bills, which at that time had grown to over 10K from periods of time when I was unemployed (as a union carpenter after a job was finished, so was I). My back was constantly in pain, I began suffering from carpel tunnel syndrome, my job was fucking dangerous, and I was stressed out of my mind.

As a carpenter I got a half hour lunch, that did not count towards my work hour, so I had to work from 6am to 3:30pm. My boss expected me to be at the job site about 15-30 minutes early each day. I would wake up at about 4:50am just to have enough time to take a shit, grab some breakfast and head out while eating.

Living in the ROK, I don't have to pay rent, insurance, gas, etc. My main bills are food and for heat. My wife, who could not get/keep a job to save her life in the US is working too. I only have to actual "work" at the most 4 hours a day. About 100,000 won(about $100) is taken from my check each month for pension and insurance. I have a 1 hour lunch break, which counts towards my 8 hour day. I dont have to be at work until 8:30 and since I dont have class until after 9am, its OK if I am a little late. I am not suffering from back pain all the time, I am less stressed, I have more free time, I actually make less money ( about $2,000 per month), but it goes much further.

Each month, even though we spend my entire paycheck we are able to save my wife's entire paycheck (also about $2,000) each month. At the end of the year, with our pension, deposit (900,000 won each), bonuses (entire months salary each) all other things remaining the same, we will walk away with around $30,000(US) in savings. There was no way I could save that much back in the US.

We go to Seoul almost every other weekend, even though we have 5 mouths to feed (we brought my sister in law to watch/home school our kids) we have money to spend, and frankly our quality of life is better than that in the US. In the US we might have gone out to eat once maybe every other month, but here almost every week.

There are a lot of shitty things about living in Korea, but it is a great place for us right now. We don't want to spend the rest of our lives here of course, but we might spend another year here.
If we can do the same for second year, and leave with about $60,000 that should be enough to achive out goal of opening a restaurant somewhere like Argentina or Spain. We want to live where it doesn't get so fucking cold in the winter!

Monday, December 14, 2009


I had my co-teacher help me sign up for a website called Icoop. It is a online grocery store here in the ROK that sells organic local products and offers free home delivery.

The site is all in Korean, but they have pics of the products, and I either use a dictionary or babble fish to translate what the items are that I am buying. Although babble fish sometimes gives me some pretty weird translations. For example I wanted to know what this product was, and Babble fish told me "The mouse eye which stir-fries conga base". While that was amusing, it was not particularly helpful. One of them was "burning nose powder", another was "Seven music truths?", but usually I can at least get the gist of the product.

There are two prices for everything on the site, if you just get a normal enrollment, the price you see is what you pay, if you get a paid membership(13,000 won a month) you get 20% off. There is also a deposited of 30,000won which you get back whenever you quit the service. With a few exceptions, the prices as listed are about the same, or a little higher than the grocery stores in my town. With the 20% off all the prices are cheaper than what I have been paying.

We have been buying 5 Kilogram boxes of Asian pears, and on the website they are 13,500 won regular, I pay 11,600 with my discount, and we have been paying around 13,000+ at the store in town. My kids go through 5 kilograms of apples every 2-3 days and we have been paying 17,800 for a box (usually they have 3 kilo boxes for around 12,000), on the website they are 20,500 and I pay 16,200.

I am saving at least 1,000 won on pretty much everything I buy, and feeding 5 people it adds up. After buying 13 products it makes it worth it I figure.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Dave is a piece of shit

As you know by now, I was banned from the ESL cafe. I have not applied for a new account, nor do I plan to. I rarely visit the sight anymore, I am trying to boycott it altogether, but like a crack addict I keep going back. I still visit the site, read the posts impotently wanting to comment. I sit bathed in my monitor's warm glow, gently weeping at what was once a beautiful thing.

As I said before, Dave can suck my dick. I am not bitter of course, I just like to hold grudges.

So far my classes have been sucking today, I dont know if it because it is monday or what. My students have no energy or interest in any of the materials today, I dont really blame them, this shit is boring.

I have to teach boring pointless dialogue out of a shitty textbook for every class. I dont have the freedom a lot of other Englishee teachers have, we cant play games, create new materials, or watch videos in any of my classes. We have to get through a certain amount of material every class, no excuses no free time.

This year is almost finished though. We are on the last chapter with two weeks to go. I am going to make sure that next year will not be the same. I have to use the materials in the CD and textbook, but I am going to change it all. I will be creating new power points to replace the shitty CD material.

I had planned on doing this over winter break. Since they canceled my break (no desk warming for me), and actually want me to work (shudder) I am not sure when I will have time to do this. Especially since I dont know how to use power point.

So I probably wont do anything. But it is fun to pretend.

Thursday, December 10, 2009


As I have said before, the big thing going around right now is a bunch of whining NET's started complaining about having to work during the Christmas and summer breaks because their Principles and Vice Principles were dicks. At my school they told me I would not have to come to school for most of break as I only had to teach six four hour days of camp.

I rejoiced at this and I was happy, until some assholes passed down the new rule. They want to unfairly force us to honor our contracts! The nerve! I have to go to school every day, and put in 8 hours before I can leave! I cant believe how unfair this is!

Now this would not be funny, except they just canceled all my camps. When I heard this, I was like "Awesome! no work during break!" But it was not to be! What my VP decided in her infinite wisdom, is that we will not have the voluntary fun Engilshee camps, where we play games, watch movies, and do arts and crafts. Instead we need to have structured, mandatory Englishee conversation courses no games, no movies, no youtube videos, only dialogue memorization. Because I know how much I would have loved to spend my winter vacations in a classroom memorizing dialogues instead of, oh I don't know...HAVING FUN!

That is not the funny part though. The funniest part is that they are making my co-teacher and the head of the Englishee dept. come in too. They have to spend their entire vacations at work! Not only do they have to come in, they have to stay the whole 8 hours, HAHAHAHAH!!!

Something else that is funny is my wife is in the same program too, and her school was going to do the same thing until they figured out that they would have to pay her co-teacher to come in as well, and they didn't have the budget for it!

I bet the administration is going to get a shitload of complaints from all the Korean Teachers being forced to babysit us over their vacations! My co-teachers sure are pissed at this "it is not...Ideal" as they say.

A whole new world

After the orientation last week, my new buddy Gary wanted to go to the foreign quarter. He wanted to pick up some ingredients to make some Jerked chicken. In Korea you can pretty much only get salt, pepper, garlic, onions, red chilly pepper, and a dozen types of soy sauce and rice vinegars.

Thats the funny thing about living in Korea, they dont use a hell of a lot of other spices. I had to go to about nine stores before I even found baking yeast, and I still have not seen a single bottle of vanilla extract or leaf of basil since I moved here. Things that are so common, they are available at every single store in the US are completely absent here on the peninsula.

I had not even realized it, but we have pretty much been eating stir frys and rice at every meal for the last two months. Not anymore, I am tired of using onions, garlic, red chillies, and salt at every meal. I decided to break out of the mold last week. My first step was acquiring cilantro. That was located in the foreign quarter, fresh cilantro at that, they also had dried cumin one of the basic spices for Mexican and Indian food. Then I found some garbanzo (chick peas) beans in the same store. That coupled with lemons would recreate our meal plans.

Now I had the ingredients for a food revolution. I first had to soak the chick peas overnight, but that did not stop me from making salsa! We had salsa, beans, and rice with a tofu-potato scramble that would knock your socks off! It was devoured in mere seconds.

Last night the chick peas were ready, I soaked some sesame seeds in water, then ground them up (tahinie), I cooked the garbanzo beans in the rice/pressure cooker. After adding garlic, olive oil, and salt I ground them all up to a creamy consistency, and boom! we had the delicious diarrhea like substance known as hummus. Beautiful hummus, once a staple in our lives, its as common in the northwest as rain in winter but it is all but absent in this strange foreign land.

Then I took some flour, water and baking powder, and created the simple flatbread known as tortillas. My wife asked me where I bought them! LOL! ROFL! LMAO! No, like god himself I created the tortillas in my own image, pasty and white.

So to recap, salsa, hummus, tortillas add those with a nice tofu potato scramble(yes again) and some salad and we had...well not really burritos, but more like a nice soft shelled taco thingy! And it was good!

My youngest normally eats like a bird, she will have a little salad and some rice, and maybe a little tofu but not much else. She kept asking me "Daddy can we have more than one?" Of course I told her yes, and she proceeded to eat like 4 burrito-taco thingies. I had to make a second batch of tortillas and more salsa.

My family devoured that stuff like a swarm of locusts. And I saw that it was good, then I rested.

I was so happy to make something not using chilly pepper, garlic, onions and vinegar for dinner, but then I realized that I actually used all those things in the salsa and hummus...

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Now for some crazy shit

I just read this story on the interwebs, some of the shit that rattles out of these series of tubes just blows my mind.

Crazy spiral thingy over Norway

Cussing in class

I have noticed a lot of my students will throw out the occasional "Shut the fuck up" or "Piece of shit", not at me of course, they love me. They will yell it at other students, however both my co-teacher, who speak decent Englishee (Since they don't actually say Engrish here) never seem to notice. I notice, but I don't really give a fuck if those pieces of shit say those things.

I have wagged an occasional finger at my students, and said "Hey don't say that" Only because I don't want them to get in trouble. I don't want them to get in trouble because that means they get the cane, which in return only seems to rile them up more in my opinion.

It seems like my co-teachers don't really know the good curse words, or if they do, they don't care. On the other hand, my teacher wouldn't let them listen to Justin Timberlake's "Bringing Sexy Back" in class because it was "Rude for the students".

I will never understand Koreans...

PS. Dave is a fucking, piece of shit, asshole, douche bag. He and all his mods can fall through the floor of a squat toilet and drown.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Too much bitching

So it came down from the head office yesterday, I will be going to work for the entire winter break. To many NETs were bragging on ESL cafe (fuck you dave) that they did not have to desk warm, because like me they only had six camps or so, and cool VPs and Principles who would not force them to stay.

So the unlucky ones, who had to desk warm, or teach camps the entire time started bitching to their reps, and their VPs, who then bitched to the provincial office, who then decided to crack down on us lucky few.

I cant wait to see how this plays out though, at my wifes school they had to cancel a couple weeks of her camps because they did not have the budget to send another teacher to school with her! She is going to have to stay home and report on her activities or something.

I hope thats how it goes with me too, then I can say I have be doing something intangible like lesson planning. If not, I guess I will be running around the school, risky business style. Unless they turn off the heat...

Monday, December 7, 2009


My Vice Principle just asked me how many students were coming to see me in my classroom. I stupidly answered honestly. Since I have been ousted, I have seen maybe 3-4 students during lunch and breaks.

She says I can come back to the teacher's lounge, where it wont take me 10 minutes to reach the restroom, where the hot water is for tea, where all the other teachers are. I however dont really want to come back.

I like being banished. I like the solitude, I like not having the little, garbage breathed, disease carrying, annoying, curious students reading over my shoulders and asking me if I "Speak Korean" or "Like Kimchi" every fucking day.

I dont want to be un-bannished! She asked me if I would like to come back, but in a manner suggesting that I have no choice in the matter. It looks like I have to pack up my things and return to the den of iniquity that is the teacher's lounge.

Sunday, December 6, 2009


I have been banned from the ESL cafe!

I feel like a virgin on prom night! I was just raped by one of the moderators! I cant believe I got banned, my comment was quote " I am under 6"2 and the girls say I am too big after I take my pants off :)" .

Wow, that was a bannable offense? I have to agree with asmith on this, somebody needs to make a new forum. If I knew how to do it, or if I was not too lazy, I would start one!

Wow, I mean WoW! That got me banned? Not when I called Van Islander a douche bag (which he is), not when I told someone else they were retarded, but when I said that girls say that my penis is too big. I guess Dave has some insecurity about things like that.

I guess little dicks have to act like big dicks when someone might be unintentionally making fun at their expense. Sorry Dave! I didn't know your little man syndrome stemmed from your pants.

Friday, December 4, 2009


After 3 days and two nights of crazy, off the hook, debauchery, and mayhem I returned home, with my roomate and new friend Gary. Gary like me loves to cook, in fact he was once a professional chef.

In Korea, if you want to cook something that does not require hot chillies, soy sauce, bean paste, fish sauce or kim chi you are SOL. Gary wanted to make salsa, and jerked chicken, but seasonings such a cilantro(available in every grocery store in America, dried or fresh) is harder to find than a sober korean taxi driver.

There is a foreign quarter across the street from bus station, and since we both had to go over there anyway, I decided to show him where it was. The foreign markets have many things not usually available in korean markets, including long grained rice(koreans only grow short grained sticky rice).

On our way to the quarter we passed through a underground tunnel to get to the other side of the street. While in the tunnel a woman stopped and asked me if I was American. Being from the pacific northwest, my first impulse is always to be honest and polite.

I said. "Uh yes" starting to notice the uncomfortably intense eye contact she was making.

She said" the korean doctor, I pregnate he put lead in me!" Then she stared at me, as if that should make perfect sense.


"He bad man, he go to jail, he GUILTY" she continued. "He put lead in me, cause he, I had sex with a french American."

"Oh thats horrible." I said trying to keep moving.

"His name is Christian!"

"Oh. uh, well I will keep a look out for him...I guess?"

"He a verly bad man! Verly bad man! TOM AND JERRY! TOM AND JERRY!"

"Ok, well I have to go now!" I said, quickly walking away.

"Is he also American!" she asked pointing at Gary, who by the way had quickly walked all the way to the other side of tunnel.

I looked at Gary, his eyes full of panic. I swallowed that instinct of being honest, and said "No."

She turned and walked away.

I walked over Gary who just shook his head.

Another WTF from Korea.

Thursday, December 3, 2009


I finally made it back after three days of debauchery and mayhem at the teachers orientation. My orientation days were the last 3 days of the week, the elementary school went the first three days.

They sell alcohol at the teachers orientation in a convenience store located in the building. Shortly after arriving we were all herded into a large auditorium where we were informed that, Soju and Macoli would not be served.

Being all hopped up on Soju and Macoli the Elementary school teachers got so wild and out of control that they deemed it necessary to ban its sale, lest the other teachers also damage the facility.

People were pissed that their precious (and really cheap) booze would not be allowed, but beer was still available. Lots of beer was available, but it wasn't enough. Each nigh the native teachers bought so much beer that by the time the store closed the shelves were empty.

I dont understand why they thought that not making Korea's two favorite liquors available they would curb the NET's(native enrlish teachers) natural tendencies to drink massive quantities of alcohol and generally act like idiots.

Each night beer pong and other drinking games were played until the wee hours of the night. Each morning hordes of hung over sleep deprived zombies shuffled from one seminar to the next, mainlining coffee between sessions.

It was a lot of fun.

Monday, November 30, 2009

I am not as clever as I thought I was.

I got to the bus stop this morning about the same time I always do, but I guess I just missed my bus. I had to wait for over 10 minutes for the next one.

The buses were right on top of each other again, so I figured if the first one was full, I would just wait for the next one and ride in comfort and style. Well at least not get gang dry humped.

By choose the later bus, I think I got just as gang dry-humped if not more. I had briefly considered waiting it out for the next bus, but it was due in 5 minutes which means up to 10+minutes. As it was I barely got to school on time.

Its not like anyone notices anyway, since I have been banished to the dark recesses of the school Engrish lab.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Book tour

So yesterday I was abducted. I had planned to go to Salsa lessons with my sister in law, but my co-teacher and the Head of the Englishee dept had other ideas.

Previously on Mr. Awesomecool's fantastic Voyage, I was given the responsibility of purchasing 2,000,000 won worth of Englishee books for the school(dont bother looking for a post, I did not write about it). As of yesterday I had done absolutely nothing about it. I had briefly checked out the esl cafe idea cook book, but that was it.

My co-teacher mentioned that she found an Englishee language book store, so Mr. Lee got all hot on that and scheduled us to go after classes on Wednesday. At first I was kind of psyched to go,I thought I might be able to pick up some books for myself and my kids. My enthusiasm quickly waned after we arrived.

It was an Enlishee Teaching bookstore, full of textbooks and all the useless lesson and learning books on tape and shit. Like a honey baked ham, my eyes quickly glazed over.

I tried to look for books that might be interesting to the students, and easy to read, but they were hard to come by. Sure the kids might like Harry Potter, but I had a hard time understanding what was going on in that book. JK Roweling being the crooked toothed Brit she is, chocked that thing full of Brit slang, and terms not used in the US, and that definitely would not be understood by Korean teens who read at a 3rd grade level. Everything I tried to pick up was "too differcurt" or "too herd" for my precious students.

My co teacher kept suggesting the most boring god awful books and books with cassette tapes (we dont even have a cassette player in the lab). "I tink da Student wourd rove to reern abert da piramird" But I dont tink so!

I wanted to get students Spongebob, the Simpsons, or Buffy the Vampire Slayer with Korean subtitles, but they only had Spongebob on video tape. Holy shit! Is it still 1990 over here? You cant even buy video tapes in the US anymore!

We ended up spending about 600,000 in the store, on nothing I wanted but as I learned from Asmith, I did not get involved in the Mongol bullshit. Every time they asked what I thought about something I just nodded and smiled. All I know is I wont be using any of the crap we bought yesterday.

Originally I guessed that the whole thing should take an hour and a half or so. We left around 3 pm, it took about 1/2 an hour to leave work. The drive to the bookstore took about 30 minutes or so. When we got there, we had to have tea first. We did not finish shopping until about 5:30pm, for some reason it took almost as long to actually buy the books. Afterwords we went to dinner, we drove around for about half an hour before finding a place(I will write more about that later). Dinner took about an hour, and then we had tea again. After dinner they drove me to a bus stop (another half an hour) and I finally got home about 9:15pm or so. The whole thing took over 6 hours, and I still have 1.2 million won to blow on books and DVDs. I think I will be ordering the rest online though.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I hope it was just gum

Today I just barely missed my bus on the way to work. I had to wait about 10 minutes for the next one. By the time the next bus rolled up there was a sizable crowd of people waiting. The bus was already standing room only, and packed in like sardines. The next bus was due in 4 minutes. I said fuck it, I dont feel like dry humping to work today. I waited for the next one.

I have never seen a Korean just wait for the next one. I dont know if it is an American thing, with our issues about personal space, or maybe the Koreans are always running late to get to work. The next bus rolled up in less than two minutes, and while all the seats were filled, there was plenty of standing room. I felt very clever for waiting, and while the bus did eventually get crowded, it was not filled to capacity like the previous one.

While I was riding, I noticed a man on the bus. He looked like he had a wad of gum stuck to the base of his skull. It is entirely possible that is was a piece of gum, Koreans have a reputation for passing out all over the place. It is more likely that it was some hideous growth caused by the pollution here, but as I did not get a chance to rip it off the back of his head (I really wanted to give it a good tug, but I was afraid it might be contagious) I could not say for certain. I really hope that was gum.

Monday, November 23, 2009

the new ManDate

My co-teacher is trying to set me up on man dates. She wants her husband to do a fun activity with me sometime, but he is really shy so that does not look like it will happen. She has a brother in Law, and apparently he wanted me to call him, or have phone conversations with him, but I thought that was weird so told her I don't like talking on the phone.

Today she asked if would be OK if I went on an overnight trip sometime. I thought she meant for a school activity, and I said sure. Then she asked if I wanted to go camping with her sister in Law sometime.

I was like "Your sister in law?"

She said "Yes my sister in law"

I said "(Is she cute?(in my head)) She wants to go camping with me?"

She said "No he wants to go camping with you."

"Ohhh, your brother in law!"

He did not actually suggest this, it turns out this is all her cunning little scheme to man-date us. Even though she said she could "guarantee" his personality, I was pretty sketched out by the idea and she could tell. So she backed down to a day long fun activity, and I said maybe. It would not be too bad if I got to go somewhere and have some strange dude foot the bill.

It turns out he is the principle(her words) for some university, so if I play my cards right, it could mean a University gig for me sometime in the future, which would be schweeet!

Kim Chi season

It is time to ferment some cabbage here. Outside all the stores there are massive piles of cabbage, some are whole, some are halved, and some are pre-wilted to make your kimchi production easier and faster. It seems like the cabbages are available all year round, but for some reason people are just making insane amounts of the shit right now.

I went to home plus over the weekend, and along with small mountains of cabbage and radish they had special refrigerator units for sale. Most of the Kim-chi enthusiasts here like to use these little rectangular containers to hold and ferment their cabbage in . The refrigerator units they had were designed to maximize the number of containers that they could hold. I thought it was funny to have a special refrigerator just for storing your Kim-chi, but you have to remember they eat it with every single meal!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Memior of a Banished teacher

Well its 2:00pm on my first day of banishment. So far I have had zero students come and chat me up. Usually in the teachers office, every break a dozen students stop in a talk to me. They at least say "hi" or something, usually a "How are you? I am So So" or maybe a "Teacher like...Kim Chi?" or some other Korean food.

I am not complaining though. I like being banished so far. Its a little bit boring, but I am not being bothered by stupid questions like "How are you? I am So So" or maybe a "Teacher like...Kim Chi?" or some other Korean food. I have less people looking over my shoulder as I surf the internets, and I can watch videos if I want on my giant 72 inch touchscreen monitor, so its pretty chill.

Lets see if any students take advantage of the new open door policy for english practice. I am betting no one will. I am hoping no one will. I hope the VP does not find out that no one is.

Hilarious post

I read something funny today. It was about Butt love.

I went to the foreign market yesterday with my sister in law. It was a pretty uneventful trip, though we did purchase a dragon fruit.

I had seen them before (not in the USA) in the Hundai Department store, for about 16,000 won apiece. I also saw them in Jinro Mart for 22,000 won for a box of 4. I bought one for 4,000 won.

They also had Durians, which I had not seen in this country. If you have not had a durian, well it is a life changing experience. They are the most unique fruit I have ever tasted.

One of the reasons I really want to visit Thailand while I am in the East is to have a fresh Durian.

They are called the Heaven or Hell fruit, because you either love them or hate them. My wife and youngest hate them. My oldest and I like them. She likes them more than me though. It is kind of hard for me to really love something that tastes like a cross between vanilla pudding and onions.

Getting back to the dragon fruit, it was OK. I dont know if it was all the way ripe, because it was not very sweet. It had a taste like kiwi, and sorbet, and a little like melon. The kids liked it and devoured it like the wild animals they are. I swear you would think we are starving those kids. But I feed them last week!

We had a white one.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

My boobs hurt

I finally made it to the gym on friday. The gym I joined is slightly below ground level, and it has windows along the street. As I worked out for a good hour or so on friday, I noticed all the people stopping and staring at the Waegook working out. Some of them were my students, who stupidly waved and gestured through the windows at me.

I felt more awkward and uncomfortable than I ever have at a gym. Its not that the equipment was that different, or hard to use, but the gym manager insisted on following me around and explaining on how to use everything. I kept telling him that I did not need help, but that only seemed to encourage him.

He showed me how to use the treadmill, no different from those in the US, save the 20 inch TV screen mounted on each one, with a remote control. I have to admit that is pretty cool.

He showed me how to adjust the standard equipment equipment found in every gym in the world.

The only thing I had to ask about was the water. There was a water cooler with what looked like a box of tissues on top of it, and no cups in sight. I asked him how you get the water. He looked at me like I was an idiot, and pointed to the box of tissues. The tissues turned out to be little paper envelopes that you fill with water and then discard. I felt kind of stupid.

When he finally left me alone I worked out. I lifted, sweated, and struggled my way through a lose upper body workout and then called it quits.

I grabbed a couple tissue sized towels and headed to the locker room. I need to take a piss, but strangely there was no toilet in the locker room. I decided to hold it. I took a shower. No one was there. I decided not to hold it.

I left the steamy, slightly urine smelling shower, got dressed and went home.

And now my boobs are sore, my triceps are sore, every part of my body that I worked out is sore.

Why the hell did I want to join a gym so bad?

Friday, November 20, 2009


The idea behind my banishment is for the students to have more opportunities to come and have one on one conversations with me during lunch and between classes. Right now, when I am in the teachers office, students swarm in during lunch and the breaks between classes and practice their English with me. The office is centrally located, and the student often must go there to talk to teachers, see the nurse and occasionally get punished.

So obviously it would be much better for the students, and more convenient for them, if I would go sit in a classroom at the far end of the building, at the end of long hallway, where no students hang out, or visit except for when they have English class.

I can see how this is going to increase the amount of daily conversation practice I have with the kids, from being at the nexus of student activity(totally inconvenient) and being moved to the Ass end of Egypt, because you know how kids like to go out of their way to practice English.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Things are changing.

So first of all, starting next week I am not allowed in the Teachers office, lunch, breaks and between classes. When I don't have classes I may go to the teachers office. So what does that mean, it means I will only go to the teacher's office to get hot water for tea.

The Vice principal wants me to be in the Language lab full time, to allow students the chance to Converse with me one on one or in groups, for every break I get in the day. Right now I have a "Conversation Class" that is suppose to meet Tuesdays and Thursdays at 8:30 am (right when I get to work) for about 30 minutes. This does not count as teaching hours since it is just a conversation class, and not a regular class. And yet I have to make a lesson plan each week for this class.

Since I started the having "Conversation Class" two weeks ago, students have shown up once. Two weeks ago. I am not complaining mind you, I am fine with no one showing up, less work for me! I have not turned in a lesson plan for this class since first week and no one has noticed yet. So I have the appearance of more work, without the responsibility.

Going back to getting kicked out, it kind of sucks that I am basically losing one of my desks, and the occasional free food, company from other teachers. I am being banished to the other side of the school.

On the upside, I dont have to come into the Office and Bow to the Principal anymore, as currently I bow and "Anyang Hasseo" every morning and "Anyang Kesseo" when I leave as per instructions. Now I just go straight to my office, and leave straight from my office, no butt kissing required.

Another plus, with all this extra work of me sitting in my PRIVATE office in the Language lab, and no one showing up to talk to me(they would much rather hurl tennis balls and sandals at each other in the hallway), I will not have my shitty 3rd year classes anymore. Instead I will be watching videos and surfing the internet, not even pretending to work anymore.

Also, next year they want me to do Art Classes in English for extra Cash. I am down with that, I finally get to use that stupid fucking degree.

Quadruple fail.

Uhhhhhh!!!! I forgot my shoes yesterday, AGAIN! I will never work out, ever...I am doomed to be a fat usless lump, oh well.

In other news, I shall recount the riveting tale of my stinky shoes that was accidentally deleted on Wednesday.

It all started one fateful morning. Having failed the previous two attempts to join a gym and work out, I got on that bus with my determination in my heart, and a bag with spare shoes clutched tightly in my sweaty little hand. The bus that day was not packed to massive forced dry-humping standards as is the usual 7:50 bus to work. So the day was starting out with a bang and not a gang bang, but still I was in a good mood. I chose to stand next to the rear exit for easy egress, just in case the bus became once again packed to the gills.

The woman who was fortunate enough to claim a much coveted seat on the public bus, had the bad fortune to pick the one next to where I would stand. The poor thing had a kind heart and graciously offered to hold my bag of shoes, whilst I clung for dear life to one of the few vertical poles on the bus.

For those that don't know, riding public transportation in Korea is considered a full body workout, even while seated. Fun fact! 50% of reported injuries and fatalities caused by buses in Korea actually happen inside the buses! They are caused when a person loses their grip and are flung around inside the rocketing vehicle until their neck snaps.

Bus drivers are hired out of local insane asylums and sent to America to train on the NASCAR circuit. The regular foot brakes in all buses are removed, and thus only the emergency break can be used to stop the vehicle. All the drivers have been convinced that there is a bomb on the bus and if it slows down to below 55 at anytime between assigned stops it will go off, just like in speed.

The woman smiled at me and motioned for me to give her the bag, she was not robbing me of course, she was just trying to be polite. I had seen people do this before, so I knew she wasn't going to "Jack my shoes". I briefly considered not giving the her the bag to hold onto, but I have a family that depends on me, so I decided not to risk only being able to cling for dear life with one hand. As soon as her tiny hands latched onto the plastic wrapped payload, the smile disappeared.

Perhaps some background on my feet is in order. Many years ago, when money was very tight my wife and I heard about selling shoes on E-Bay. We found out that there are people with specific fetishes especially for used shoes. Yes, people on E-Bay would like to buy my used running, workout, and work shoes and sandals. There were two requirements for this though. The shoes had to be worn enough that there was an imprint of my feet in the souls and the second was, the stinkier the better. If your shoes really smelled, you would get good reviews, and if they really, really smelled they would offer you more money if they could send the shoes back to have them "recharged". (this is all true) What was really funny is that I often sold my shoes for more than what I originally paid for them.

To comply with EPA regulations I should have labeled that bag with a Bio-hazard symbol. The woman began to look kind of uneasy holding the bag, and maybe it was just motion sickness from the bus, but she began to look kind of sick too. I felt bad for handing them to her, but she wanted to do it. When someone finally exited the bus, leaving a seat open, she frantically gestured towards it. She thrust the bag at me, and I took it thereby ending her suffering. I sat down and in my lap, closer to my face. I could barely tolerate the smell wafting from the bag. And everyone always prefers their own product.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Triple fail!

So I left work yesterday, totally convinced I would finally feel the burn! I headed off to the gym, and ran into my wife on the way there. It was really cold, and she told me not to go to the gym. She said I should not join the gym, she told me to just come home with her.

"But I want big muscles!" I whined.

"Your muscles are big enough!" she said as the skinny 130lb. woman dragged me towards the bus stop with one hand.

I finally convinced her to stop womanhandeling me, and I went on my merry way. I reached the gym (no random bus attacks) and went inside. The man who stopped me from coming in last time looked up from behind the desk, ready to pounce the moment I put my filthy outside sneakers ohis pristine floor. Aha! I was prepared this time though! I pulled from the depths of a plastic sack, a pair of clean GYM SHOES! Take that tiny Mongol warrior! I slipped my shoes on, I was ready to face him!

I strode up to the desk confidently, I pulled out my wallet.

"I would like a one month membership, please"

"OK" he said "Just one montheu?"

"The four month offer was tempting, a lower rate plus a shiny new gym bag, but my history with consistent working out was shaky to say the least. I thought I better play it safe this time.

"Yes, one month"

"OK, what is your cerr phone numbereu?"

"Uh..." I had to think fast, the phone is new and I dont call myself. I could not remember it, maybe it would tell me? I opened my phone, on previous phones my number was always displayed when opened. This cursed mongol phone however, did no such thing. Blast! What now?
I thought to my self maybe my home # would work, it is in my phone.

"How about my home number? I cant remember my cell"

"No!" he screamed. Well, actually he did not scream, I was being dramatic. But he did say "Cerr phoneeu only prease!"

Shit, did I come all this way, just to fail now? NO! I did not give up I had to succeed! "How about my home phone?" I cleverly suggested again.

"OK, home phone OK" he conceded.

My power of persuasion is formidable indeed. I paid the man, and he showed me around the gym, where to put my stuff, and gave me an orange. Yeah an orange. He also said that I dont need to bring a towel because they provide them as a free service. Nice.

"You change in here OK?"

"OK!" I said after receiving a complimentary towel, roughly the size of a paper napkin. While putting my stuff away, and wondering roughly how much the towel would actually be able to conceal/dry off, tragedy struck!

My gym pants were gone! I could have swore I packed them last night! I checked again! Damn! they still were not in my backpack! Perhaps a triple check, would yeild a different result! NO! They still were not there! I had my money, check. I had my shoes, check. I had a phone #, check. I had my work out clothes, no check.

I hung my head in shame, I left the locker room, I gave back the towels, I left the gym, I put back on my street shoes and went home. All I had to show for 3 days of trying, and after paying 30,000 won for a membership was one tiny, albeit very tasty orange. It had better be fucking tasty for 30,000 won!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Third times the charm!

Today I am going to the gym. At least I am going to try again. I have been trying to join this gym that is kinda close to my school since monday, but have failed at every attempt. I choose to try to get a membership at this one because the one in the town I live in(which is larger and more convient) cost 85,000 won a month for a membership. That is pretty fricking steep. The one by the school is 30,000 won a month, or "not so fucking steep" as some might say.

On Monday(which was payday) it was not really I who failed, but stupid, fucking NH bank. For those of you that don't know NH bank is a pretty big bank in Korea, but it is also a farmer bank. They have big ass bags of rice sitting in the lobby for fucks sake. Well anyway, banks here close at 4:30pm which is when I get off work. So when I got to the bank, and my bank book(I dont have a bank card yet) would not work, I could not get any money out. So after randomly smashing buttons on the Korean language ATM (if I tried the English button it instantly failed) I had to concede victory to NH bank. You may have one this battle, but the war is not over yet...

The next day I was able to get off work early to go set up automatic gas payments at the bank. That is another weird little fun fact about Korea. When you get a gas bill, you pay it at the bank...I know crazy, right? It can be any bank, even if you don't have an account at it! Back in America, they wont even give you change for a dollar if you don't have an account with them! You can also set up automatic payments for a set period of time (at your bank), crazy but very convenient. So I was able to kill two birds with one trip to the bank, and set up my gas payments and get my monies out of the bank. Why did I kill two birds? Well that's my business.

So with thousands of Korean won in my sweaty little hand I went to the gym, next door to the bank. I went inside with a change of clothes, wearing my gym shoes, ready to join up and work out. But it was not to be! They would not let me in! Why, you ask? Because I did not have a second pair of shoes! They had a two shoe policy! How was I to know?

I knew that in a lot of places in Korea, for example my school, you wear slippers inside, and leave your shoes at the door. Of course you don't have to do that in grocery stores, or movie theaters, or aquariums or places like that. You have to in schools, homes, and some restaurants. I though the gym, where you don't wear slippers it would make sense just to need one pair! So once again I failed.

Today I have money, I have workout clothes(also a must for working out) I have extra shoes, so I should be able to do it! Unless I get hit by a bus or something on my way there. Its entirely possible.

Son of a BITCH!

On my google Dashboard I have a tool that allows me to compose and publish my blog. I just spent the last 20 or minutes composing one of the funnest, most insightful and brilliant posts of all time!

Well probably not, it was about my stinky shoes.

Anyway as I was wrapping up the tale of riding on the bus, carrying my stinky shoes in a bag, the story suddenly disappeared. I don't know if it was from my ham-fisted typing, or if the screen just refreshed, but everything was lost. In a blink of the eye, a page and a half long essay about my odoriferous feet coverings disappeared into the ether of the net.

I will try to retype the masterpiece, but I fear the brilliance, the shine, the shear beauty of what was lost, will never again be found. You will never know the joys of this flash of brilliance, a post which would have surely been remembered for all time.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

I'm lovin it.

I was teaching a class one day, and in the lesson there was a story about a dog named Yeppie who destroyed someone's flower garden. Naughty Yeppie! Well anyway, I was interacting with the class and asking what should the owner do with his dog? Should he keep Yeppie inside? Should he keep Yeppie on a leash?

One girl raised her hand and said "Eeh sherd eeet Yeppie."
Now I was pretty sure I misheard that. "He should beat yeppie? No you shouldn't beat your pets." I said.

"No" she said "Eeh sherd eeet Yeppie!" and then she mimed eating, a delicious albeit naughty dog.

I was shocked! I asked my co-teacher "You don't really still eat dogs here? Do you?" she just laughed and smiled. Then I asked the class who had actually eaten dog in the class, and half the students raised their hands.

People love to eat meat in Korea, almost as much as in the US. But they also eat dog, which is uncommon in the US, unless you count corn and hotdogs. Here they have restaurants that specialize in dog meat stew.

When I first decided to come to Korea, I thought that was a myth. That eating dog was a racist stereotype, that might have been true in the past but they are a civilized, modern country that would not do that now, right? For some reason I equated a modern public transportation system and abundantly available high speed internet with not eating dog.

For those who read my blog(both of you) it is important to realize that my family and I are Vegans. We are tree-hugging, earth saving, liberal, leftist, socialist, atheist, vegans and we love it. Although I was shocked to find out that they still eat dog here, when I stopped to think about it, it is really worse than eating any other animal?

My wife says yes definitely. It is more wrong to eat a smart animal. So according to her it would be worse to eat a pig (smarter than a dog) than a dog. Cow would fall below dog, but above chicken, who would be above fish. Fish would be above clams, and clams would be above Glen Beck fans.

She also says if it can love you, you shouldn't eat it. I say that I don't really believe that dogs love you, sure they might like you, but occasionally they rip our faces off. Is that love? Maybe a chicken could love you too. You never know unless you give it a chance.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

I'm popular!

Well November 11th was Pepero day here in the land of the rising fun. In case you didn't know(I didn't know)it is a brand new holiday, only three years old or so. It was created by the Lotte corporation to boost sales of its Pepero products(a pocky rip-off).

So the end result is everyone comes to school loaded to the gills with these chocolate covered pretzel sticks. Students bring them, teachers bring them, and they hand them out like its Halloween. I of course had no idea, and when I got to school and people started handing me pocky sticks left and right, I was rather confused. I guess I was suppose to bring some too, but no one told me so all I could do was collect the stuff.
By the end of the day I scored 5 whole boxes, one package, and one large stick of the crap. I am keeping those in my desk in case I want to re-gift them as treats to classes later. I was offered and politely declined several sticks of the junk throughout the day, but the unwrapped and sometimes half-eaten sticks were unappealing to me for two reasons.
A: They contain dairy, and I don't eat dairy.
and 2: They were in your MOUTH! why the fuck would I want your half eaten pretzel stick?
I asked my wife how much she got, she was only offered a couple sticks, no boxes. Looks like we know who the popular one is now.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Just because I am paranoid...

I have always been a paranoid person. Growing up I always had these fantasy/delusions that everything around me was fake, and either the government or aliens were spying on me through hidden cameras placed throughout my world. Although I never really believed it, in the back of my mind I always felt like that movie the Truman show, and honestly, that movie kinda freaked me out. It was so close to what I always felt as a child. It is all part of being really egotistical, from this belief that I am so important, the center of the world really, so I am worth spying on constantly. It would have been a really boring show if you ask me. Unless you would like to watch a show about a kid who watches a lot of TV, or 14-18 year old boys masturbate constantly.
I never really, truly believed that I was part of some hideous experiment by aliens, or that the US government was watching my every move, but since I have moved to Korea...Well being the only White people in a see of Yellow, you get stared at constantly, sometimes they literally stop what they are doing and watch what I do with an incredulous look and dropped jaw. Not speaking Korean, I always get the feeling that people are talking about me but I never know for sure. To make things worse, a melody, followed by a mysterious voice will play through speakers in our walls. The message is in a language I dont understand, but I can tell it is different sometimes. It usually comes on a little while after I get home from going shopping, or getting back from work. I cant help but feel like maybe, just maybe it is talking about me. "The wayguk has returned from work, you may resume your normal activities..." "The foreigner purchased the following items today..." Anyway, it totally creeps me out.