Saturday, January 30, 2010

The Zoo

I took my family to the Seoul grand park zoo on friday. To go pretty much anywhere we have to take at least one bus and the subway. It took about an hour and a half to get there.

When we got to the station, we really did not know which way to go to get to the zoo. Luckily there were about a million kids getting off the subway, so we just followed them.

On our way out of the station I took the escalator, and my wife took the stairs. She started running up the stairs (because she wanted to beat me to the top). I started running up the escalator (so I could beat her to the top). I ate shit on the escalator. She won.

As I was running, my toe caught on one of the treads and I fell face first. My knee, hand, and shin all slammed down onto the jagged edges of the escalator. When I got off, after telling my children to never run on an escalator, I surveyed the damage. My hand was bruised, my shin bloody and bruised, and my knee was bruised and beginning to swell up. I had a huge fucking knot on it by the end of the day.

Before we got to the entrance, like on any street, in any town in Korea there were people selling food, stuffed animals, socks, stockings, and little trinkets. There were only about 6 vendors, 3 of them in a row selling the same overcooked corn, flavorless rice logs, disgusting smelling silk worms, and tiny snails. Several of the little kids who had witnessed my face-plant on the escalator ran up excitedly to order cups of worms and snails.

You got to hand it to Korean vendors, they know their market.

Another weird thing about the zoo was they had a "Family mart" every 50 feet or so. Heaven forbid that a Korean might have to have to go more than 30 minutes without a snack, or drink. For a nation of skinny fuckers they sure have to have a lot of food. It seemed like there were more restaurants and family marts than animal exhibits.

Entrance to the zoo, a ride on the freezing cold tram, and a ride on the "elephant train" cost 24,000 won for all four of us, it costs more if you want to see the dolphin show, but my wife and kids snuck in while I bought a single ticket for 2,000 won. We walked around the zoo until it closed, and we still did not see everything.

Other than eating shit on the escalator, and freezing my balls off, it was a pretty good day.

Friday, January 29, 2010

Bad news everyone.

Today my wife informed me that she would not be providing me with anymore material for my blog.

"Oh" I said. "How are you going to stop?"

"I am going to act perfectly normal from now on."

Of course that by itself, is not entirely normal.

She made this statement while playing GTA4 (where all she does is kill people for money and have sex with her girlfriend). She loves to get into shoving matches with pedestrians, so they fight her, then she runs away. The whole time they are chasing her, she is screaming at the TV until she finds a cop who arrests them. She will spend hours doing this.

But even though she keeps yelling at me, to see if I am currently blogging about her, she will not be providing anymore tidbits of wackiness, or bizarre behavior for this blog.

Of course she also spent the better part of this morning walking around stark naked. Then she did yoga stretches naked, in front of our children. So there is that...

Thursday, January 28, 2010

More popular

My wife and I both have blogs. She has been blogging for almost two years, while I have been for 9 months or so. Until we moved to Korea she had been getting way more hits than me, and has had more followers.

Yesterday she yelled "Why does anyone like you?" while reading my blog. She has become greatly jealous, since my blog is more popular than hers.

We are, by no means, even remotely popular, I have 8 followers and paltry 31 hits (average) a day. I have KRD to thank to a massive spike in trafic yesterday (42 referrals, up from 1 on average). The link from his site being added, not for anything I had written, but for a scary spider video I stole off YouTube.

So thanks KRD, for giving my wife another reason to hate me.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010


This morning I was minding my own business, checking out things on the interwebs, when my wife said to me:

"I started my period." period.

"OK." what did she want? Sympathy? Attention? Applause? Or was there something she was trying to tell me?

"Where you late?" If she was pregnant that would be rather unfortunate, especially since I have had a vasectomy. Either my tubes grew back together, or some anonymous sperm donor would need to be dispatched Dexter style, along with an unfaithful bitch wife.

"No, I am just telling you so you don't try anything."She told me rather Icily. So I guess I don't need to buy some duct tape, plastic bags and a bone saw anytime soon.


I am a morning person, and I sometimes try to get it on in the morning, but usually while we are both still in bed. We had been up for a while, and I was not trying any of my signature moves. Like the sly spooning with a tit grab, or the suggestive dry hump, or the "how about a blow job?" (very smooth when properly executed).

My wife is a night owl, and her signature move when she wants sex is the "go down on me." command, or suggestive dry hump, however executed anally, power top style.

So it just kind of struck me as odd. Of course she is having her period, so that sort of thing should be expected.

Tired, so very tired

I had a big day today. First I walked to the ATM to get money so we could go to the doctor, dentist, dinner and get groceries. Then I made Kimchi.
Then I did my daily punishment with the blond dominatrix known as Zuzana.

Here is the link if you are interested.

I am at home on vacation right now, so I actually have to do more work than when I am "working". I have to feed, take care of, punish and wrangle two little kids now. I also have to clean, work out, shop and on top of all that go take them to the doctor and dentist.

First we had to brave the public transportation system, and travel about 40 minutes to get to the general area of the hospital. I say general area, because we really had no Idea where the fucking thing was, but that's how we roll. Maps, address, and planning is for pussies.

Amazingly we found the hospital right off the bat. My wife and I saw a physician for various aches and pains, she got her knee x-rayed. It cost 140,000 won (roughly $140) we thought it would be cheaper though. I got about a dozen x-rays for my knees, lower back, shoulders, knees again, shoulders again, and lower back again. It cost 70,000 won. I paid half as much to have 4xs more x rays. ?????

Then we went to the dentist. The kids each had two cavities. Back home it was costing us $160 a cavity without insurance. Each filling cost $100. Again, from what we have heard we thought it would cost less.

With the cleanings our bill came out at 560,000 won. Between the doctor and dentist we dropped almost 800,000 won. I think we have getting fucked by health care professionals. Still x-rays alone back in the US are usuall $140 a pop or so, the ones I got today would have been well over a grand by themselves, since the x-ray technician (who did not go behind a lead wall when he took the x-rays, by the way) took at least four shots for each body region.

Then we went to dinner. That only cost 28,000 for all four of us, and it was good. It was a floor sitting place, which I fucking hate, but luckily we were next to a wall, which I could lean against. My legs still fell asleep there, and when we were done, I ambled out like a drunken sailor, but the food was great, so that is all that really maters.

It was another of the Loving hut locations, each one is completely different. In the good ole USA if something is a chain, each place is virtually identical. We have been to three different places here, and the only thing they have in common is they all have wide screen TVs blaring vegan propaganda non-stop. Which we like, it makes us feel superior to the lesser meat eater. Forgive them supreme master, they know not what they do...

Now we are back home, and I am ready to just go to sleep. But my wife wants to watch a show, and she will probably try to rape me again at some point. Such is life.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Lazy dayz

I am on my two week vacation. Since my wife is desk warming, and we are trying to save money, I am staying at home with the kids. We really wanted to go to Thailand, and every time we step outside, we still want to go. That's why I am trying to step outside as little as possible.

We are saving my wife's entire paycheck each month, and hopefully by the end of the year we will have at least 32,000,000 won saved up with refunded deposits, bonuses and the last month's pay. Why 32 million? As long as the value of the Won to the NZ dollar stay the same, that is how much we need to get visas to go to school in New Zealand.

My wife and I decided that we should get teaching certificates. Then we can get paid more to teach Englishee here in Korea, or get paid but-loads more to do it in Hong Kong or Dubai. That way we can save even more cash, and either follow our dream of opening a restaurant, or just save up enough to retire.

We decided on New Zealand, because everyone seems to like it, its costs about the same as Graduate school in the US, I get a $12,000 dollar scholarship to go to school anywhere (one of the benefits of being one 16th Alaska native). I wanted to got to Australia, but unlike NZ, you have to pay $8000 a year for each kid to go to public school. Plus they have these:

My wife saw this video, and decided that New Zealand was the place for us.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Dammit google!

Like many teachers, I use the internets in my classroom. When students, or co-teachers do not know a vocabulary word, and I cannot explain it with exaggerated gestures or in smaller words, I google it. Unfortunately you never know what you are going to get when you use a google search.

For example. No one knew what pale yellow was. They understood yellow, but you throw pale in front of the word, and it is utter confusion! Pale? How can it be teacher? Well I throw it into a google search and bam! Pictures of pale yellow.
No problem, pictures of flowers and bed sheets and swatches. It was fine. Then I did Aqua. A word they have never heard before.

"What is Aqua, Teacher?"

"Let me show you!"


I guess aqua is the color of hot wet sex, with razors!

Then I did a section on going to a bakery. Bread, its harmless, completely unsexy, it should be fine. Right?

"Class do you know what a loaf is?"


"Here, I will show you."

Nice google, real classy.

OK class, how about the post office? There cant be anything bad at the post office...Can there?

"Teacher, what stamp?"

"Let me google that for you!"

"You see, this lovely young lady has a stamp..."

Teacher I cold!

Quit fucking touching my god damn buttons! Every time its cold in the fucking classroom the kids leave the door wide fucking open, open all the damn windows, or touch the fucking buttons on the AC/heater.

When they touch the buttons, they try to turn the heat up to 30 degrees celcius, but either turn on the cold air, or turn off the heat so cold air is just blowing around in the classroom.

Next time, I am just going to tuff it out and let them suffer for the whole fucking hour.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

"sodomized by my wife"

I have google analytics. "sodomized by my wife" was recently used to find my blog. Nice.

Last night my wife and I were getting ready for bed, and of course our kids were fighting us. Our youngest pulled out an argument that took us both by surprise.

"I dont want to go to bed because the other night when I went to the bathroom, you were making love really loud and it freaked me out!"

"Uh...well go to bed anyway."

That is a great thing about being a parent, the power of being able to mentally and emotionally scar someone for their entire life. It gives you a good feeling inside.

My wife is now a MOD on Asmith's message board. She is intimidated by how mean some people are being. She has trouble standing up to people she does not know. She has no problem being a total bitch to friends and family, but she wants strangers to like her, so she is usually really nice to them. She lets them give her candy, and will take rides in their windowless vans and everything.

That's all I got for right now, ROK on everyone.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

New Start Sunday!

My wife, my brood, and myself are going to the New Start Restaurant in Seoul Sunday. It is a vegetarian buffet, we have been there before, and it is pretty dang good. IT costs about 12,000 won per person. There is a Seoul veggie club meeting from 12pm-2pm, and that is why we are going.

Directions: From Seoulleung station (line 2 & Bundang line), take exit 2, walk straight a block to the light. Turn left on Seonneung-ro dong 53 gil (선릉로 동53길). It’s about half a block down on the right side. The building is recessed from the street; you’ll see the “New Start Restaurant 2F” sign. It’s on the second floor.New Start's phone: 02/565-4324 or 011-294-4324.

If any of my fan want to come meet us, well don't count on it. We are notorious for changing our minds at the last minute. Usually because my wife hates to go anywhere if its less than 60 degrees Fahrenheit outside. And my kids hate to go anywhere, if they have to walk more than 50 feet or so.

It has been historically difficult to go anywhere with three very moody, unhappy campers, and like Asmith's wife, mine likes to have me at home so she can keep her beady eyes on me so even though weather and walking don't bother me, I seldom go anywhere without them.

To sum up, we are going to the New Start Restaurant on Sunday. Or not. It depends on the temperature, the moods of my children, weather the moon is waxing or waning, the tides, the time of the month, which planets are in line or just a roll of the dice.

So we will see you there. Or not.

ROK on.

Monday, January 11, 2010

Playing hooky

Monday night the wife and I started to feel ill, and Tuesday morning i still felt nauseous and had a headache as did my wife. I decided to use one of my 14 sick days and stay home, she chose to go into work, because her co-teacher was going to be gone, and she was the only person who could lead her camp (how responsible of her!).

I called my co-teacher and told her I was not coming in, and pulled the blanket back over my head. I got up a while later, and had tea while playing GTA4.

So I spent the day with the kids, forcing them to help me learn Spanish (so we can go back to Europe to teach next year), but mostly played GTA4 on my xbox.

Today I am back in the classroom, I have a throbbing headache (I bet you thought I was gonna say hard on, you pervs!). I am playing Cloudy with a chance of Meatballs on the Big screen TV, and writing my blog. Soon I will have to start teaching them the pointless conversations they made me write for these "camps".

On Monday the VP complained that my conversations were too advanced for some of the students. I told her that if they were any more simple that they would not be practical. Remember these were her Ideas and topics.

She wanted to know if the kids would be able to use the conversations in real situations. I said yes, but not for 5-10 years in the future, when they would no longer remember them. Then I started rambling about how we need to teach them conversations more applicable to their lives, because little Sujin was not going to be checking into a hotel anytime soon, at least not in English, and if she was checking into a hotel around here it would only be for a couple hours and not days.

These kids do not need to learn how to make plane reservations, or check into a hospital, they will be living at home until they are 30, their parents will take care of everything for them. If they ever leave the country at all, it wont be until after they graduate college, or have a family of their own.

The whole thing is pretty much pointless, but it only lasts 3 hours and then I get to watch Entourage for the rest of the afternoon. So today I will be pointlessly teaching Hojun how to open a checking account in America, and I will do it with a smile on my face.

Dave is the king of douchebagistan, and all the mods are his loyal douchebagistany subjects.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Two down, three to go.

I just finished the second camp session. I have 3 more groups to go over the next two weeks. Then I go on vacation. Unfortunately, my wife has already had her vacation, so I will just be home with the kids while she is at work.

We originally wanted to go to Thailand on our winter break, like so many other teachers have done. These freezing cold temps, snow and ice are not things my wife particularly enjoys or remotely tolerates.

When we first got to Korea it was sunny and warm, and she loved it. She said every day "This is so much better than back home, maybe we should stay for two years, instead of one!" I smiled and nodded, knowing what was around the corner. She also knew, but my wife lives in the present, her thoughts and opinions changing day to day, moment to moment. To my wife, right now she sees the cold, snow and ice as how Korea will be for the rest of our contracts. In her mind she says "I am miserable now, therefore I will be miserable for the rest of the year."

I tend to take the long view. I don't judge things on how they are at the present moment, I judge by how they have been in the past, and may be in the future. I know that spring is around the corner. In two short months the temperatures will rise, the trees will grow leaves and my wife will not be as miserable.

The cold does not bother me as much as my wife. I was born and raised in the north, since I have lived in the lower 48 for the last 14 years and become "Sissyfied" by the mild winters, I enjoy snow, and like having it again. I do not enjoy freezing my balls off, but I realize it is only temporary.

I do not know however, how i will react to the suffocating humidity that summer will bring. I have never lived in such conditions, where I am from I have experienced over 40 days straight of pure rain in the summer, but with temps rarely rising above 60-70 degrees the humidity did not matter. On the north west coast, if it rained more than 3 to 5 times in the summer, it was considered "wet" with the temps hovering around 80-90 degrees. We would experience a few days of high humidity, but generally it was cooler after a rain.

So right now, with my wife absolutely hating Korea, and my nervously awaiting the upcoming summer, we are hedging our bets. We have applied to teach Englishee in Spain next year. Lovely Spain, where last year in Andalusia it snowed for the first time in 50 years, where it rarely rains and maybe two or 3 months out of the year temps drop below 70 degrees. I don't speak a lick of Spanish, but my wife is pretty good, and my kids ( who have been in Spanish immersion schools in the US, and lived in Spain) speak it well enough to attend public school.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Where is everyone?

I guess because of winter break no one in Korea is blogging regularly anymore. I have grown used to Asmith posting every day up to three or four times a day. Since he got into a big fight with his wife, he hasn't regularly blogged about his daily shit while reading the Korean Herald. I am truly worried about the guy!

KRD is only posting every other day or so, Mike went on Vacation, Mildly Amusing has not lived up to his name since he bought his PS3, the only person who seems to still be posting somewhat regularly is Danielle, the pervy little minx she is. I really don't understand why she has yellow fever, she must get turned on by the odor of soju, onions, and fish or like the idea of being the indentured servant of a 30 year old man-child and his mother. Kinky.

I am just as guilty though. I did not blog yesterday, or last weekend. My wife has is the only one who has posted something every day last week.

My wife complained to me this morning about the terrible blogging situation, and I told her that there is a lack of non-personal drama due to everyone being on vacation or at winter camps. It seems like with the cold weather, and no classes everyone seems to have gone it a sort of blogging hibernation.

My wife being the kind soul she is, came up with this solution. She kicked me in the face.

"Now go blog about it!" she ordered.

And I did.

ROK on.

Everyone at the ESL cafe has severe genital warts.

contagious venereal diseases

Side note:
Then while writing this, someone just let out the most disgusting smelling fart ( apart from my own) that I have smelled in a long time. I can practically taste it, I feel nauseous, really, I have to leave this room. That's all I have for now.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Winter camp, round two

I am doing 3 weeks of camp divided up among the five1st grader classes (7th grade equivalent). I have each group for 3 days of fun filled...being talked at. I just finished the first group so today we are starting the 1-2 group.

It has been so boring at school, with the camps being over at noon. It would not be so bad, except after my camp is over, they automatically shut off the heat in my classroom. In my classroom I can watch TV shows or movies or porn. OK maybe not porn, but I am all alone, with a large screen TV and I can do pretty much whatever I want.

With no heat in the classroom, I am forced to pack up my shit, and go to the Teachers office, where they feel sorry for me being bored, so they try to think of things for me to do all day. They don't seem to understand that I prefer being bored to actually doing shit.

It has been decided by the principal that he wants to focus on improving the Englishee of the students at our school. I have been given 4 assignments to write proposals for improving said Englishee.

1. Ways to improve Englishee in general. The ideas of the head teacher and principal include a read board to be ignored by students at the entrance of the building. Posting signs in Englishee by the stairwells, to be ignored by students. Making me write proposals to be ignored by the head teacher and principal that might actually improve Englishee.

2. Develop a method of testing the students Englishee speaking ability. They want me to judge how well each student speaks Englishee and grade them accordingly. That should encourage the students who have a harder time speaking, by telling them what a shitty job they are doing. That should give them the confidence they need to keep trying!

3. Newsletter. At the beginning of the year they told me they wanted a newsletter in Englishee. They told me to choose the students from an Englishee conversation class that we would have in the mornings. They chose the students for that class. The students showed up one time. Yeah that is not happening..

4. Dialogue awards. I will be giving students stickers when they practice talking with me, at the end of the year the students with the most stickers get a prize. That is actually not a half bad idea, except I know I am going to be forgetting to hand out the stickers, and I am pretty sure some of the kids might cheat by buying identical stickers.

Well I have 3 weeks to think about this, meaning I will actually write these proposals the day before they demand to see them. Good ideas need to marinate.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

This morning

My wife and I have a daily ritual. We both wake up at about 7:15, turn on the tea kettle, have some fruit and tea and watch the news until it is time to go to work. The only reason I watch the news is to see how shitty the weather will be for the next three days.

We only have 6 channels on our TV; they are the free channels because we are too cheap to pay for a good TV package where they might have some shows in English. So we sit through the Korean news shows, where somebody did something bad, and they are in a police station with their jackets pulled over their heads in shame. Someone snuck a video camera into some seminar or presentation where everyone's face needs to be blurred and their voices distorted. And something about Korean food, usually with a westerner trying it, or the locals making exaggerated face for how fucking good the kimchi is.

I just want the weather, because I have no idea what the fuck is going on with the rest of it. I can understand a graphic of a rain cloud or snowstorm to beat shit though. Even though the metric system and measuring temperatures in Celsius is not from my native land, I know when it’s going to be need a jacket weather, and freezing my fucking nuts off cold.

While watching the tiny cute weather girl talk gibberish about the 3 day forecast today, my wife went into a sneezing fit. She sneezed so hard something flew out of her mouth onto her sleeve.

Then my wife said "Ewww Gross.” Which I wholeheartedly agreed with. Then she ate it. I am not fucking kidding, this happened. She sneezed something up, a bit of food or mucous, pronounced it as gross then fucking ate it. Really.

I called WTF on it.

She said "What? It was probably just some pear."

I said "You sneezed out something onto your sleeve, said "ewww, gross" then ate it. I am so blogging about this."

And I did.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Winter Camps of doom

This is a hoodie one of the kids in my camp was wearing today. I love how it combines an icon for pornographic imagery with drug abuse. You could get kicked out of school for wearing this in America.

I wonder if, after church, his parents went shopping and saw this and were like "How cute! Da bunny eat da funny callot, he have browtie too, ha ha ha hirarirus! and Hojin he rook so cute in it."

Last night I was watching a travel show, and the host had a beenie that he wore all the time with a big fucking pot leaf on it. The Korean censorship board had no clue that this guy was promoting drug use on national TV.

I would love to point it some of the fucked up things the kids are wearing out to my co-teachers, but I don't want to get the kids in trouble, and they probably would not think it was nearly as funny as I do.

Yesterday it was a girl wearing a t-shirt that said "Retirement it help" It was not as funny as the blunt smoking playboy bunny, but it did make me wonder why a 13 year old was planning on retiring, and why it would help?

And so it begins...again.

Time for another day of camp. Yesterday we did at a restaurant, at a bank, and at the airport. On today's menu we have at a store, on vacation and cooking! Exciting stuff. There is nothing kids like more than pointless memorization of boring ass conversations!

ROK on!

Dave and the ESL cafe MODs are douche bags. I dont have time for anything more creative right now. Sorry if I let anyone down.