Monday, September 27, 2010

No love for chocolate

I had been wondering what had happened to Black Mike, AKA Black Child, AKA Chocolate love thunder, since leaving Kimchi land. Apparently he is living in Taiwan now and up to his old tricks again of pissing off every single Asian and fat Caucasian female that crosses his path.

While in Korea, Blackchild had the attitude of 'Fuck you. I am a Black American, I don't put up with this type of bullshit back home and I ain't got to put up with your bullshit here.'

This, of course upset Koreans terribly. 'I Kolean, I have ta put up with da burrshit, why you tink you no have ta put up with da burrshit too?'

Much to the dismay of his employers as well as the Korean country men and women who resided in his little slice of rice paddy that he called home, they ended up with a confrontational black man (slightly more scary than the average black man). He got in fights with locals over their racist bullshit (which is part of their heritage, and was culturally insensitive of him!) shamed his employers when trying unsuccessfully to screw him over at every turn (as is customary), and pretty much took a giant shit on the Korean Kulture of treating foreigners like the shit they get treated like by other Koreans.

Eventually Mike just put an end to the fighting and left a land strewn with empty Soju bottles, to return to one strewn with empty crack vials. And then he dropped from the blogging scene, only reappear in Taiwan. Where he is being forced out of his current residence for the crime of being Black (and therefore scary) and not attracted to fat white bitches (whaaatt? Are you sure you are black??).

Apparently because some great white whale moved in next door to Blackchild, and as a result she has developed Ahab syndrome and is afraid of getting a great big, black harpoon shoved down her blowhole. So the building owner (who is his boss) is kicking him out, to prevent the impending blubber harvest. She is also not getting him a new place, or helping him with rent, when she had provided him the current residence at a discount.

What would I do in this situation? Well first of all, I would not be black, which believe me, other than being unable to dance and sucking at sports helps immeasurably (you should give it a try sometime). Was I still white and in this situation, I would go 'Oh, that is rather unfortunate, I guess I will find alternate accommodations, thank you very much for kicking me out and have a nice day. Oh, by the way, can I give you any money for your troubles?'

Which is not what Mike did at all (How un-white of you!). He said 'Fuck you, I am a Black American, I don't put up this type of with bullshit back home and I ain't got to put up with your bullshit here.'

To which their reply was 'I Taiwanese, I have ta put up with da burrshit, why you tink you no have ta put up with da burrshit too?'

Same shit, different country, Mike?

PS. to Chocolate love thunder:

I am very disapointed that you don't have a link to my blog on your blog :(

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Running down the clock

Well we have four days of teaching left before we blow this Popsicle stand. Sadly just as my bromance with husker was starting to heat up...sigh.

The wife and I have been packing for the last couple weeks, (about 1 item per day) and have yet to finish. We are trying to use up all the food in our kitchen, today I gave the building guardian some dubious tok (korean rice cake) that had been sitting in our refrigerator for at least two weeks.

His face lit up with joy when he received the small gift, which was in fact, a half hearted attempt on his life. You ask why was I trying to kill our guardian with spoiled, processed rice products? I good sir, ask you, why not?

It both brings joy and sadness to leave this land. We have had a comfortable life, easy jobs, and almost zero responsibilities. We are trading that for a shitty job market, high rent,no health insurance, low pay, and if we even find jobs, actually having to work (the horror!). I am happy that I will be able to buy clothes that fit once again (shoes especially, seriously what is with the pixie sized feet?) as since arriving here I have lost over 20 lbs. and will be leaving almost my entire wardrobe. It will also be nice to be able to go to grocery stores that don't have just 5 aisles a soy and fish sauce aisle, a red paste aisle, a ramyan aisle(not to be confused with ramen, which of course is completely different), a noodle aisle, a tea and coffee aisle and a snack aisle. Some variety will be nice.

Working here has been the easiest job in my entire life, the pay was not high, but it was more than enough to support five people and other than paying for an extensive summer vacation we saved most of my wife's paycheck. I have not made a lesson plan since April, and that was the same one I made in November that I just kept turning in. Sometimes I almost feel guilty for taking the money because this job is so easy, them I remember all the bullshit I have to put up with and the guilt fades.

My wife has to the surprise of everyone who knows her lasted her entire contract (I may be jinxing it, she could decide to take off tomorrow). The longest she had lasted at any job in her past was six months.

We really don't know what we are going to do when we go back, look for work, go back to school, live in 150 miles apart since both of our kids want to live and go to school in different towns? Should we move to Texas or Arizona, should we stay in Oregon? Get our masters degrees in ESL or teaching? Get different degrees? I just don't know.

It can be pretty shitty when you are in your mid thirties and still not know what you want to do with your life.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Husky husker who husks

Last week I called out a Husker as having a crush on Mrs. Awesomecool AKA Superfantabulous. His response to the allegation was a big guilty silence. I thought as much. Never trust a husker around your women folks, or farm animals for that matter.

Someone accused my wife of being a control freak, even though are daughter is 3,000 miles away and being watched by her 20 year old Aunt. The little ms. thang found herself at a party where the parents left a group of 12 year old boys and girls totally unsupervised. She had wanted to spend the night at the party, where our response was a resounding "NO" heard clear across the Pacific ocean.

Later we learned that before Mini-fantabulous was taken home by her Aunt, she had wandered the night with unsupervised with the 12 year old boys and girls, and the police were called on their little group for harassing elderly women. The next time we contacted her, she had found herself once again without supervision at a different friend's house alone with a pack of hormonally charged 16 year old boys, where she wanted to stay and watch the premier of GLEE. To which any sane parent would of course say 'NO!'.

One of my wife's readers had a problem with our saying no to this:

"wow. talk about a control freak. Kids will be kids, boys will be boys and girls will be girls. The more your try to control it, the more they will rebel in the future. You think you have problems now? Wait until they're big enough to go tell you to fuck off.

I may not be the most perfect dad, but my kids realize that and as a result, are pretty open and honest about stuff. They need to make mistakes to learn from them and if you keep trying to shelter them from that, they'll make bigger and more mistakes."

1st of all, my daughter has been telling me to 'fuck off' since she was 5. Secondly how can you be a control freak when you are in a completely different country from the one you are suppose to be controlling? At best she is a remote control freak. Thirdly fuck you. Fourthly you would have to be a complete idiot to think that leaving a cute 12 year old girl (with boobs) alone with a pack of sex crazed 16 year old boys is acceptable in any way. Fifthly I am not a perfect dad either, but when I have the sense to not put my twelve year old in situations where she can get raped or impregnated that is NOT being overprotective. That is being a good parent with some fucking common sense.

The whole point of parenting is to protect your children until they are old enough and mature enough to protect themselves from danger, but mostly from themselves. Its not to let them run wild on the streets with an attitude of 'that'll learn them'. Maybe mr. anonymous (if that is his real name) does not have any daughters, or just does not remember what it was like being a 16 year old or has shown up on to catch a predator, I don't know his story but I do know kids who were left to make their own mistakes. Those kids made serious mistakes, they ended up pregnant at 14, in jail, on drugs, fathering children at 15 or dead. I am speaking about kids I grew up with. The ones with overprotective parents left my little po-dunk town and went to college, had careers and had much better lives than those who were left to run wild.
Mr. Anonymous

My parents at least tried to keep a leash on me, tried to keep me from hurting myself, I may have resented it at the time, but I appreciate it now.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Finishing the work week

Today is Monday, the first and last day of my work week. It seems silly to come to school for just one day, but then again, it is Korea.

About half the students showed up for class, the rest having migrated to whatever hometown either their grandparents or firstborn sons of their families are living in for the Chuesok holiday.

The wife did not have to come to school today, since her school realized how kick-ass it would be to have a whole fucking week off instead of having everyone come to school for just Monday. I guess I should not complain too much, I am getting a six day weekend, and I have heard of other schools that are making people work Monday and Friday. I feel sorry for those guys, but hey, 3 days off in the middle of the week is still better than nothing.

It was a good thing I showed up a little early today, because in typical Korean fashion they randomly decided to start my classes at 8:30 instead of 10:00 without saying a fucking word to me. I did not even realize it until I got to my classroom and found it full of students, to whom I asked "What the fuck are you doing here?"

When I travel with my wife, I usually don't make it to school until a little after 8:35 since we usually like to make out at the bus stop by our schools. Its kinda hot.

All my classes today were full of knuckle draggers, and at one point my co-teacher told me to "give up" because "they have no idea." I was trying to get them to read and practice some simple dialogues about "going to the library this weekend" but it was way over their heads. What is really terrible is that these are the 2nd grade students, and the worst of the first grade students can read and speak Englishee in circles around these kids.

One of the second graders today, thought the word M-O-R-E spelled make. And kept saying "would you like some make steak?" You would think since all these kids started Englishee in Kindergarten that they would be able to read four letter words.

Either the first graders have gotten smarter since my wife started at the Elementary school, or
they have been getting progressively worse at Englishee since I started teaching here.

Probably the latter.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

My pants

I own a magical pair of pants. I swear its true. How do I know they are magical? Its quite simple really. Every day when I go to work, I say hello to my co-teachers, get my cup of tea, and fill my water bottle. Every day people say hi, or ignore me and I wander off the solace of my office at the ass end of the school to be ignored and left alone. Which is fine by me.

Unless I wear my magic pants.

I bought my magic pants from a goodwill a few months ago. When I tried them on, they fit but were a little too tight. I bought them anyways, figuring that either they would stretch out after wearing them, or I would eventually lose a pound or two and they would fit. They were only 5,000 won anyway, so I really did not care that much.

The first day I wore them to school, every single female at my school asked me about my diet.

"Oh, Awesomecool, you face so thin."

"Oh, Awesomecool, you no fat. Can I see your sex-pek?"

"I soo jearous, what diet?"

I told them that I was not really on a diet as much as just doing regular exercise and eating less more often. I showed them all the website and said "Just do what she does 4-5 times a week for 12-20 minutes a day."

They did not "rike dat" because "her muscer too big".

To which I replied "There is no way in hell that any of you will ever get muscles like her doing these exercise. It takes a genetic disposition to muscle growth and serious dedication to look like that." But my comments fell on deaf ears.

The rest of the week I wore some more loose fitting jeans, and other slacks and received absolutely no comments, so I figured they were over wanting to see my "sex-pek". The following week I wore my "magic" jeans again, and low and behold....

"Oh, Awesomecool, you face so thin."

"Oh, Awesomecool, you no fat. Can I see your sex-pek?"

"I soo jearous, what diet?"

I explained once again my workout and diet regiment, which once again they did not like. Then the following week I wore the pants again, and they gave me the same compliments and asked the same questions.

After buying the pants around 3 months ago, I wore them yesterday, and this is what they said:

"Oh, Awesomecool, you face so thin."

"Oh, Awesomecool, you no fat. Can I see your sex-pek?"

"I soo jearous, what diet?"

I tell you they must be magic to cause monthly, even weekly memory loss to an entire office of women. Either that or Koreans only have short term memories or just like to look at my ass in tight jeans.

By the way, they are too loose now, and I need a belt to hold them up.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Husking in Korea

Apparently someone has been husking in Korea, I am not sure what that means, but I think it is an euphemism randomly tearing the clothes off of innocent subway patrons, as if one was shucking an ear of corn, only more rapishly.

You have all been warned. The Urban dictionary also has a definition for husking, but I like mine better.

This guy seems to have a raging boner for my wife, and has written about her several times in his blog, which has inflated my wife's already inflated ego. He has also mentioned me, but not as lovingly, or even bromancianly. My feeling (singular, as I have only one feeling and that is blind rage) has been hurt.

What has two thumbs and wants to bang your wife? This guy.

So I have given a Husker in Korea a space in my sidebar. Nebraska sucks!

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Mid terms

Mid terms are coming up the first week of October. The head of the Englishee dept. wants me to finish chapters 7-9 for the upcoming tests. This would not be that big of a deal except we started classes the last week of August, and have had field trips, listening tests and the Chuseok holiday in that time.

The first week of Classes I sat out almost every class. Normally we have two months to get this much done, allowing at least two weeks per chapter. I have only had my Tuesday and Wednesday classes twice this whole time and will only have them once more before the exam. It normally takes at least two classes for the high level students to finish a chapter, but I only have 3 classes for three chapters. What really sucks a donkey dick is that Tuesday and Wednesday are the low level students.

And I mean low level. Basically kids with a full on retard for Englishee. I am talking about writing letters backwards, kids that cannot count to ten, or say the Alphabet and answer questions like:

"What is your favorite color?"

With "Ball!"

Our school gets special funding because of these kids. Hell, our high level students can barely read. Our low level students literally have the lowest test scores in the whole entire province. If I can get them to utter a single word in English, it is cause for celebration. If they can answer a question using two words or more, they are immediately escorted from class and moved up into the mid level classes.

After the mid terms we will have almost three entire months to finish the next three chapters before the end of the year finals. I asked if we could push the tests back a week or two, but the answer was no.

Well whatever, its not like actually teaching the classes would have any affect on their test scores anyway. Most of them will probably get their name wrong on the test.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

You better not blog about this!

"You better not blog about this!" is a threat I receive daily from Mrs. Superfantabulous. It is OK if she blogs about my manorexia, or bouts with soju but should I mention the batshit crazy stuff she does, it somehow violates her privacy.

That is why I wont blog about how since our children went back to the USA she has become a Howard Hues like shut in, never leaving the house except to go to work.

I will not blog about how she slapped me in the face while on a crowded bus, because I happened to be singing the song 99 problems to myself.

I also will not mention how when waiting for a bus, she decided to head butt me, and then said to me accusingly "Why did you do that?" or how this morning, she decided to take a shower, disrobed then spontaneously started doing stretches in front of our wide open windows, much to the delight of any Korean who happened to be wandering by at the time.

For respect for my wife and her privacy I will not be blogging about any of these things now or in the immediate future, because I am a good husband.

Thursday, September 9, 2010


Last night my Superfantabulous and I watched Wanted.

It was a pretty entertaining movie, not to be taken seriously of course with dramatic way, way over the top action scenes with reminded me of the much under appreciated "Last action hero" staring the Governator.

During the first car chase scene Angelina Jolie is driving a red sports car that magically makes cop cars exploded when rammed, but mysteriously cannot outrun a dog food delivery truck. It probably is one of the best car chase scenes I have seen cars flying over other cars, bullets flying, explosions and all of it too insane to be taking serious at all. During that scene this is miss Superfluousness:

"Oh, my god!" Hand covers mouth.
Sharp intake of breath from the danger.
"Gasp!" again
"Did you see that?" I am sitting next to her, watching the same movie. So yes, I did.
"WooooW" (extended wow.)
"Gasp!" number three.
"Ohmygod!" (Oh my god in one word)

What should be noted is that Mrs. Superfantabulous is no fan of the action genera, and in fact hates car chase scenes with a passion. So for her to enjoy something so immensely and to be on the edge of her seat with excitement means that this was no ordinary car chase scene, and the movie was a step above the other mindless shit rolling out of Hollywood.

It was still mindless shit of course, just slightly better mindless shit. I enjoyed it.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010


I am an Adulterer. I have cheated on my wife many, many times.

There are many types of Adultery. There is heterosexual adultery, homosexual adultery, adultery with prostitutes or ex-sex. Any of these types of Adultery would be preferable to my wife than the type I do.

DVD Adultery.

One of the reasons we have been married for over 13 years is we have similar tastes. We both have dry sarcastic senses of humor, matching political and religious views so when one of us finds a TV show or movie they like, the other usually likes it too. And when you like something, and are in a committed relationship you its always best to enjoy something you both like together.

Everyone knows that its more fun to watch a movie or TV show with someone else, but what if the other person does not have the time to watch the movie or TV show? What if you really want to know what is going to happen in the next episode? What if work and family get in the way of you finding out what happens to Bill and Sookie? What if you have been waiting what seems like forever to see "Kick Ass?"

The temptation is overwhelming. I have the files downloaded on my computer, I have hours and hours of free time at work, and there is only so many things you can do on facebook to while away the time. It gets hard to resist.

I try to distract my hunger with shows that only I like, we both like the Daily show, so I cant watch that, but only I like Colbert which is almost as good. But that only satisfies me for so long (since the bastard goes on vacation like every other month). So then I watch some other show she doesn't like (We have "safe" shows. I like "Rescue me" but the wife doesn't, she watched all the episodes of "Dead like me", "Six feet under" and "Grey's anatomy" which I just never got into) but then I finish watching all the current episodes.

Finally I succumb. I scratch that itch, and it feels sooooooooo goooooood. Then as the credits roll, the guilt washes over. I have committed a cardinal sin (in married life) , I have cheated on my spouse.

Sure I can "Fake it" and watch it again with her, but its never as good as the first time. You already have heard the Jokes, you know the plot twists, the surprises, the scary moments, you know who survives and who dies. And you feel horrible for knowing, but mostly you feel bored for watching it again. And guilty. And maybe a little hungry. So you go to the kitchen to get a snack. Right during the suspenseful part. And that's the tell. That is where you fucked up.

Accusations fly

"You already watched this!"

"No I didn't!"

"Oh my god! You are a terrible liar! You did! You did watch it!"

"I'm so sorry, I just couldn't take it any longer...I have ...needs"

"I cant beleive you would do this to us...Have you been watching anything else?"

"No, it was just this one time, I swear."

"Your lying!"

"OK, OK, I watched a few episodes of "Vampire diaries" but I swear i did not enjoy it" another lie, sadly I enjoy all vampire based teenage dramas. Really. I don't know what is wrong with me.

Of course we fight, and it comes out in the fight that she has been watching "Weeds" at work. So then we both make up and swear never to never do it again.

But it is only a matter of time. New episodes of "Dexter" are starting.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

English Lessons

As I have already stated countless times, I don't really do lesson plans. The school I work for has mandated materials that are all covered in CD-ROM. It has lessons in grammar, reading, speaking and listening with audio and video tracks all performed by Native English Speakers.

Even though there seems to be a high production value in the materials, they are of course are rife with spelling and grammar mistakes, and the odd Englishee such as "I have never written or gotten a letter since last year."

All the dialogue is terribly boring, performed by ugly actors with droning monotone voices. There is absolutely no effort being made to capture the interest of the students who pretty much zone out when I play the videos. It takes a herculean effort just to pay attention.

In the chapter we are doing right now I noticed some writing on one of the actors T-Shirts. This is what it said:

It was worn by one of the Native English Speakers. I guess someone has a sense of humor.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Separation Anxiety

Since our children have left my wife has been beside herself. We knew it would be difficult once they left, but I had no idea how hard the woman would take it. She has begun a slow but steady decent into complete madness.

The first few days were mostly displays of crying and moping, resulting from finding objects left behind by the children and the oppressing quiet of an empty home. Some of it was from her too.

This weekend the constant mating calls of the cicadas drove her to screaming madly for silence out the windows, sending children, women and even a few grown men running for fear of the gigantic, female, long head with a big voice.

This weekend she refused to leave the house except to venture out to buy food, and only because she cannot bare to be alone.

She is having trouble going to sleep at night, and last night she demanded that I "pet her" until she fell asleep and wanted me to "purr" as I pet her. I of course refused, as the pet-ee should be the one who purrs, not the pet-er.

Petting her and me purring? That's just crazy.