Thursday, November 19, 2009

Quadruple fail.

Uhhhhhh!!!! I forgot my shoes yesterday, AGAIN! I will never work out, ever...I am doomed to be a fat usless lump, oh well.

In other news, I shall recount the riveting tale of my stinky shoes that was accidentally deleted on Wednesday.

It all started one fateful morning. Having failed the previous two attempts to join a gym and work out, I got on that bus with my determination in my heart, and a bag with spare shoes clutched tightly in my sweaty little hand. The bus that day was not packed to massive forced dry-humping standards as is the usual 7:50 bus to work. So the day was starting out with a bang and not a gang bang, but still I was in a good mood. I chose to stand next to the rear exit for easy egress, just in case the bus became once again packed to the gills.

The woman who was fortunate enough to claim a much coveted seat on the public bus, had the bad fortune to pick the one next to where I would stand. The poor thing had a kind heart and graciously offered to hold my bag of shoes, whilst I clung for dear life to one of the few vertical poles on the bus.

For those that don't know, riding public transportation in Korea is considered a full body workout, even while seated. Fun fact! 50% of reported injuries and fatalities caused by buses in Korea actually happen inside the buses! They are caused when a person loses their grip and are flung around inside the rocketing vehicle until their neck snaps.

Bus drivers are hired out of local insane asylums and sent to America to train on the NASCAR circuit. The regular foot brakes in all buses are removed, and thus only the emergency break can be used to stop the vehicle. All the drivers have been convinced that there is a bomb on the bus and if it slows down to below 55 at anytime between assigned stops it will go off, just like in speed.

The woman smiled at me and motioned for me to give her the bag, she was not robbing me of course, she was just trying to be polite. I had seen people do this before, so I knew she wasn't going to "Jack my shoes". I briefly considered not giving the her the bag to hold onto, but I have a family that depends on me, so I decided not to risk only being able to cling for dear life with one hand. As soon as her tiny hands latched onto the plastic wrapped payload, the smile disappeared.

Perhaps some background on my feet is in order. Many years ago, when money was very tight my wife and I heard about selling shoes on E-Bay. We found out that there are people with specific fetishes especially for used shoes. Yes, people on E-Bay would like to buy my used running, workout, and work shoes and sandals. There were two requirements for this though. The shoes had to be worn enough that there was an imprint of my feet in the souls and the second was, the stinkier the better. If your shoes really smelled, you would get good reviews, and if they really, really smelled they would offer you more money if they could send the shoes back to have them "recharged". (this is all true) What was really funny is that I often sold my shoes for more than what I originally paid for them.

To comply with EPA regulations I should have labeled that bag with a Bio-hazard symbol. The woman began to look kind of uneasy holding the bag, and maybe it was just motion sickness from the bus, but she began to look kind of sick too. I felt bad for handing them to her, but she wanted to do it. When someone finally exited the bus, leaving a seat open, she frantically gestured towards it. She thrust the bag at me, and I took it thereby ending her suffering. I sat down and in my lap, closer to my face. I could barely tolerate the smell wafting from the bag. And everyone always prefers their own product.

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