Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Insanity day 3

I completed the Cardio power and resistance portion of Insanity today. It was about 45 minutes of pure torture. I should have guessed after the warm up part of the workout caused me to drench my shirt in sweat.

About two hours after finishing, I was still breathing hard.

I have 57 days left.

My god...

Monday, April 4, 2011

Insanity day 2

Day two, where I actually did one of the workouts went, well.... not so well. It was a pretty hard workout, and I had to keep doing the routines over and over because my fucking copy of the video skipped and tripped all over the damn place. I dont know if I did more or less than I was suppose to, I did some of the exercises too long, some not long enough, and I have no Idea how long my actual workout lasted.

All and all, I did sweat my balls off, so we will chalk it up to a win. I am getting new copies right now, so hopefully I can do an actual full routine tomorrow.

Sunday, April 3, 2011


Today I started Insanity.

There was a fitness test, which I failed.

My score

Switch Kick 106
Pile Squat 38
Power knee 57
Power jump 35
Globe jump 11
Suicide jump 12
Push up jacks 18
Low plank oblique 52

There were two douches in the fit test video, who beat me in almost every exercise. Especially the Asian chick, who pretty much dominated the whole thing. I will however, destroy them both next time.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

New Job

I started my new job yesterday. Lets just say, it was interesting. The day started out with me getting totally lost on my way to work, I google mapped it the night before, but unfortunately it has been renamed and a new school has been built since google maps last updated. I showed up half an hour late, but all my boss had to say was "Well, at least you are here."

I should have taken that as a sign.

I spent the day just shadowing other teachers as they had the students, ages ranging from 8-19 do "work" of putting matching colors and shapes in separate containers. It seemed easy enough, so they left me alone with a barely functioning autistic/retarded kid who likes to wear shoes about 6 sizes too big and run wildly around the classroom, randomly knocking shit over. Well we sat down, and a co-teacher gave me gummy candies to entice him to do his "work". Unfortunately, his work turned out to be to very frustrating to him, so he immediately proceeded to claw the shit out of my arm.

The rest of the morning was uneventful. Unless you count when the jolly retard with the cart full of toy janitorial equipment was trying to tell me about his favorite toys.

"this is my mumble custom-toy owiol"


"I said, this my mumble cust-my owwl" He tried again, getting really frustrated.

"uhhhhhh.....OK" Said I.

"Your custom toy?" Supplied another teacher.

"this is my mumble stom-um told"

"Well that is great!" I said, hoping to end this train wreck of a conversation.

"this is my mumble ustom-oy told" Not wanting to leave until his point was made clear.

"Your custodial?" Someone guessed.

"Yeah, that's what said!" He said, aghast at our stupidity.

"Well say "Janitorial" next time!" Said the other teacher.

After lunch we went to the afternoon kids. That is when the two most terrifying kids in the whole school show up. Of all the kids, 8-19 the two most terrifying are a pair of Autistic kids, 8 and 9 years old, both under 4 feet tall, and rail thin.

I thought to my self "This is the worst you got?"and then I tried to get one to pick up a toy he threw. All hell broke lose as he tried to devour my hand, and my arm was once again clawed to shit. I had a pretty tough time, and another teacher ran in and we restrained the kid, and got him back to his seat, saying the hell with the toy he threw. Then the other kid melted down, and the 3'5", 60+ lbs kid took fully four teachers to restrain the snapping, clawing, twisting ball of animal like fury.

All in all, not a terrible first day of work.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010


Everyone knows that the job situation in the USA is fucking terrible. The moment we got back here, the wife was like "Lets apply to jobs like crazy."

And I was like "Awww, do I have to?"

And she was like "Yes! I am not going to piss away all our savings!"

So we both applied for jobs. She especially wanted us to apply to those in Edumacation so as we can gets our teaching degrees and go back overseas to teach English real good. She also was determined to stay down in Goat town, as opposed to rainy-town.

Two months later, I get called for an interview. Then I get a second call on Monday. Apparently I now have a job in the public schools as a teacher's aid. It comes with full benefits for the whole family. I get winter vacation, spring break, and summers off. And guess who is pissed.

"You shouldn't have taken that job!" She tells me. "I want to move back to rainy-town!" She growls. "You should quit!" Even though I have not had my first day yet.

I tell her, that it was her idea in the first place, and that it was everything that she wanted. So she tells me "You should not listen to me!"


Saturday, November 27, 2010


My wife is not know for her amazing cooking skills. In fact she is actually known for her complete lack of cooking skills. Yet every year around Thanksgiving time, it is time for her to bake a pumpkin pie.

I believe she grows insanely jealous from every year from all the praise and adoration that I receive for my massive cooking skillz and cock. So she ventures into the unfamiliar territory of the kitchen to ruin approximation 16 ounces of pumpkin, sugar, coconut milk, egg re-placer and pumpkin pie spice.

In the previous years we have experienced, burned pies, sugarless pies, pies with roughly 10 millimeters thick and the infamous "pie with no crust". This is my wife's usually process for cooking pumpkin pie:

Step one: Forget to cook the pumpkin.
Step two: Randomly substitute ingredients.
Step three: Burn the pie.
Step four: Serve burned pie-like abomination, then wonder why no one wants a piece.

This year however, my wife took the radical step of actually finding a recipe for pie. She went shopping and bought the actual ingredients. She still forgot to cook the pumpkin, but lucky she married me, so I cooked the pumpkin and scooped into a bowl for her.

She then measured the ingredients and put them into a blender. After arguing with me and others about random ingredient swapping (she relented, and finally decided that based on history, it wasn't such a good idea) she blended the ingredients and then wandered off.

So I made a crust for her. And poured the pie mix into the crusts. I however made her cook them herself. However, after putting them in the oven, she promptly forgot all about them. Luckily her Uncle's convection oven uses a timer, and it shut off by itself before it burned the pie to a crisp.

The pie this year did not turn out so bad, especially when covered with copious amounts of my famous vegan whipped topping.

Monday, November 8, 2010

The thrill of the hunt

Last weekend I took lil' Fantaboulous out to her grandparents house. Her Grandparents live between Eugene and the coast, on fifteen acres of land right on the side of a busy highway. The reason I brought her out was the mighty Oregon Chantrelle.

The Chantrelle is quite common on Grandpa Awesomecool's land and easy to identify. It is also really fun to find, its like an Easter Egg hunt for adults. Even mini-Fantaboulous likes to go looking for the tasty shroom, even though if a mushroom is in the same room as her dinner, she wont touch it.

We hiked up into the great wooded mountains where the feisty orange fungus lurked and began to hunt. The Grandparents had marked out some areas of the mountain on a previous expedition of where the had found "loads of Chantrelles, more than we could pick." We found the taped area and began to look around, after about fifteen minutes, I had found two mushrooms.

"They are right over this ridge." They kept saying. We kept hiking and hiking, and nary a mushroom was to be found. The grandparents kept making excuses and saying "They were here last time..."

I finally found a small patch poking out of some loose pine needles and began to gather, I called lil' Fantaboulous over so she could participate, but before she could get there Grandpa Awesomcool pounced on them like a fat kid on a cupcake, and grabs everyone in sight.

I broke away from my parents with lil' Fantabulous to see if we could find some without my mushroom hungry parents grabbing them all. I found another patch of mushrooms and let my 13 year old began picking them in earnest.

Then my parents little mutt of a dog, runs over to us. The thing looks like a doberman crossed with a pitbull, but is the size of a tea cup poodle. The thing acts like a five year old who has been freebaseing pixie sticks. It begins to jump all over us, trying to lick our faces, while manically and precisely stomping on every single chantrelle in the immediate area. So I grab the little bitch(because that is what she is) and toss her into the bushes. She bolts back out and plays "steamroller" on the few remaining mushrooms.

A little while later I find another patch of shrooms and give lil' Fantabulous a third chance to gather. However, she began moving around like a butterfly with ADD, picking up every mushroom that was distinctly not Chantrelles.

"Dad! Come over here! Look at this one! Have you seen one like this before?"

I walk over and look. "Yeah, I have seen those ones, pick the Chantrelles honey."

"Dad!Come over here! Did you see this one before? It looks like a boob!"

I walk back over. "Yeah, that's great Honey, I have never seen those before. Lets just pick the chantrelles though. OK?"

"Dad! Dad! Dad! Come over here, quick!"

"Why? Did you find another weird looking mushroom? Because I am only interested in Edible mushrooms. Don't call me over unless you find some chantrelles."

"No, Dad, come over here! Its important, come here!"

So I march back through the wet brush. "What is it?"

"Look at this bug!"

I sent lil' Fantabulous to go pick mushrooms with her grandmother, and went off with Grandpa Awesomecool. I tried to stay at least 50 feet from my dad, to prevent him from poaching all the shrooms I would find. We kept finding small patches, while wandering farther and farther from Grandama and lil' Fantabulous. After about 30 minutes Grandpa gets a call on his cell phone saying that they had found "A huge patch of mushrooms" and that we "Should come back right away!" to pick them. So my dad says that we should wander back the way we came.

I kept telling him "they are going to be finished by the time we get there!" But dad insists on heading back, and so we go. After stopping for a few small patches that Dad missed on the way, we finally hike all the way back to where we started.

"We finished picking them all, there actually weren't that many after all." Says Grandma Awesomecool.

"I found a pretty rock!" Says lil' Fantabulous.

Then the rain came down in typical Oregon fashion, in sheets and sideways.

"Well...That's enough of that, lets get the fuck out of here." Says I, and we do.