Dammit google!

Like many teachers, I use the internets in my classroom. When students, or co-teachers do not know a vocabulary word, and I cannot explain it with exaggerated gestures or in smaller words, I google it. Unfortunately you never know what you are going to get when you use a google search.

For example. No one knew what pale yellow was. They understood yellow, but you throw pale in front of the word, and it is utter confusion! Pale? How can it be teacher? Well I throw it into a google search and bam! Pictures of pale yellow.
No problem, pictures of flowers and bed sheets and swatches. It was fine. Then I did Aqua. A word they have never heard before.

"What is Aqua, Teacher?"

"Let me show you!"

"Ohhhhh!"



I guess aqua is the color of hot wet sex, with razors!

Then I did a section on going to a bakery. Bread, its harmless, completely unsexy, it should be fine. Right?

"Class do you know what a loaf is?"

"No!"

"Here, I will show you."

Nice google, real classy.

OK class, how about the post office? There cant be anything bad at the post office...Can there?

"Teacher, what stamp?"

"Let me google that for you!"

"You see, this lovely young lady has a stamp..."

Two down, three to go.

I just finished the second camp session. I have 3 more groups to go over the next two weeks. Then I go on vacation. Unfortunately, my wife has already had her vacation, so I will just be home with the kids while she is at work.

We originally wanted to go to Thailand on our winter break, like so many other teachers have done. These freezing cold temps, snow and ice are not things my wife particularly enjoys or remotely tolerates.

When we first got to Korea it was sunny and warm, and she loved it. She said every day "This is so much better than back home, maybe we should stay for two years, instead of one!" I smiled and nodded, knowing what was around the corner. She also knew, but my wife lives in the present, her thoughts and opinions changing day to day, moment to moment. To my wife, right now she sees the cold, snow and ice as how Korea will be for the rest of our contracts. In her mind she says "I am miserable now, therefore I will be miserable for the rest of the year."

I tend to take the long view. I don't judge things on how they are at the present moment, I judge by how they have been in the past, and may be in the future. I know that spring is around the corner. In two short months the temperatures will rise, the trees will grow leaves and my wife will not be as miserable.

The cold does not bother me as much as my wife. I was born and raised in the north, since I have lived in the lower 48 for the last 14 years and become "Sissyfied" by the mild winters, I enjoy snow, and like having it again. I do not enjoy freezing my balls off, but I realize it is only temporary.

I do not know however, how i will react to the suffocating humidity that summer will bring. I have never lived in such conditions, where I am from I have experienced over 40 days straight of pure rain in the summer, but with temps rarely rising above 60-70 degrees the humidity did not matter. On the north west coast, if it rained more than 3 to 5 times in the summer, it was considered "wet" with the temps hovering around 80-90 degrees. We would experience a few days of high humidity, but generally it was cooler after a rain.

So right now, with my wife absolutely hating Korea, and my nervously awaiting the upcoming summer, we are hedging our bets. We have applied to teach Englishee in Spain next year. Lovely Spain, where last year in Andalusia it snowed for the first time in 50 years, where it rarely rains and maybe two or 3 months out of the year temps drop below 70 degrees. I don't speak a lick of Spanish, but my wife is pretty good, and my kids ( who have been in Spanish immersion schools in the US, and lived in Spain) speak it well enough to attend public school.

My vice principle

When I first started work, my Vice Principle had me sit down with her and enjoy a snack of tea and tok. She then started to tell me what to expect of the Korean children at our school in broken English. She told me to not be offended by the children because they like to touch each other, and will probably want to get their filthy swine flue ridden hands all over me. That really did not turn out to be true. The only time one of the kids have touched me is when one little girl poked me in the belly. I guess she wanted to see if I giggled like the Pillsbury dough boy.

She then told me to be very careful about touching the kids. I really did not think that was a problem. I have no desire to touch these kids at all.

"You be vely calfur about the touchee."

"Oh I dont think that will be a problem." I have no desire to touch children, I dont even hug the ones I got at home. I just wave at them from across the room, that's good parenting.

"In the news, I saw a teacher get fired. He touch a gilr on hip."

"Wow, he only touched her on the hip?" That seemed pretty harsh to get fired for just an accidental hip touching.

"Yes it vely big scandal, he get filed onry fol touchee on hip."

"That is terrible, I will be very careful about that." I said, now scared out of my mind about even brushing up against a child.

"Yes, he chase her, he ran aftel her vedy faah and he touch her hip."

So the dude actually ran down a terrified 13 year old, so he could rub his jinro soaked hands on the poor child's hips. Ok, maybe the dude should be fired.

I was more than a little insulted that my VP, who had known me all of 3 days, thought there was a chance that I might be running down her students and touching their hips. I know I might be a filthy foreigner, but it falls within the realm of common sense not to molest my students. You don't shit where you eat.

Of course other schools are fair game.

Dave is a filthy hip touching foreigner, and all the mods at the ESL cafe have a hip touching fetish as well.

Book tour

So yesterday I was abducted. I had planned to go to Salsa lessons with my sister in law, but my co-teacher and the Head of the Englishee dept had other ideas.

Previously on Mr. Awesomecool's fantastic Voyage, I was given the responsibility of purchasing 2,000,000 won worth of Englishee books for the school(dont bother looking for a post, I did not write about it). As of yesterday I had done absolutely nothing about it. I had briefly checked out the esl cafe idea cook book, but that was it.

My co-teacher mentioned that she found an Englishee language book store, so Mr. Lee got all hot on that and scheduled us to go after classes on Wednesday. At first I was kind of psyched to go,I thought I might be able to pick up some books for myself and my kids. My enthusiasm quickly waned after we arrived.

It was an Enlishee Teaching bookstore, full of textbooks and all the useless lesson and learning books on tape and shit. Like a honey baked ham, my eyes quickly glazed over.

I tried to look for books that might be interesting to the students, and easy to read, but they were hard to come by. Sure the kids might like Harry Potter, but I had a hard time understanding what was going on in that book. JK Roweling being the crooked toothed Brit she is, chocked that thing full of Brit slang, and terms not used in the US, and that definitely would not be understood by Korean teens who read at a 3rd grade level. Everything I tried to pick up was "too differcurt" or "too herd" for my precious students.

My co teacher kept suggesting the most boring god awful books and books with cassette tapes (we dont even have a cassette player in the lab). "I tink da Student wourd rove to reern abert da piramird" But I dont tink so!

I wanted to get students Spongebob, the Simpsons, or Buffy the Vampire Slayer with Korean subtitles, but they only had Spongebob on video tape. Holy shit! Is it still 1990 over here? You cant even buy video tapes in the US anymore!

We ended up spending about 600,000 in the store, on nothing I wanted but as I learned from Asmith, I did not get involved in the Mongol bullshit. Every time they asked what I thought about something I just nodded and smiled. All I know is I wont be using any of the crap we bought yesterday.

Originally I guessed that the whole thing should take an hour and a half or so. We left around 3 pm, it took about 1/2 an hour to leave work. The drive to the bookstore took about 30 minutes or so. When we got there, we had to have tea first. We did not finish shopping until about 5:30pm, for some reason it took almost as long to actually buy the books. Afterwords we went to dinner, we drove around for about half an hour before finding a place(I will write more about that later). Dinner took about an hour, and then we had tea again. After dinner they drove me to a bus stop (another half an hour) and I finally got home about 9:15pm or so. The whole thing took over 6 hours, and I still have 1.2 million won to blow on books and DVDs. I think I will be ordering the rest online though.

Memior of a Banished teacher

Well its 2:00pm on my first day of banishment. So far I have had zero students come and chat me up. Usually in the teachers office, every break a dozen students stop in a talk to me. They at least say "hi" or something, usually a "How are you? I am So So" or maybe a "Teacher like...Kim Chi?" or some other Korean food.

I am not complaining though. I like being banished so far. Its a little bit boring, but I am not being bothered by stupid questions like "How are you? I am So So" or maybe a "Teacher like...Kim Chi?" or some other Korean food. I have less people looking over my shoulder as I surf the internets, and I can watch videos if I want on my giant 72 inch touchscreen monitor, so its pretty chill.

Lets see if any students take advantage of the new open door policy for english practice. I am betting no one will. I am hoping no one will. I hope the VP does not find out that no one is.

Third times the charm!

Today I am going to the gym. At least I am going to try again. I have been trying to join this gym that is kinda close to my school since monday, but have failed at every attempt. I choose to try to get a membership at this one because the one in the town I live in(which is larger and more convient) cost 85,000 won a month for a membership. That is pretty fricking steep. The one by the school is 30,000 won a month, or "not so fucking steep" as some might say.

On Monday(which was payday) it was not really I who failed, but stupid, fucking NH bank. For those of you that don't know NH bank is a pretty big bank in Korea, but it is also a farmer bank. They have big ass bags of rice sitting in the lobby for fucks sake. Well anyway, banks here close at 4:30pm which is when I get off work. So when I got to the bank, and my bank book(I dont have a bank card yet) would not work, I could not get any money out. So after randomly smashing buttons on the Korean language ATM (if I tried the English button it instantly failed) I had to concede victory to NH bank. You may have one this battle, but the war is not over yet...

The next day I was able to get off work early to go set up automatic gas payments at the bank. That is another weird little fun fact about Korea. When you get a gas bill, you pay it at the bank...I know crazy, right? It can be any bank, even if you don't have an account at it! Back in America, they wont even give you change for a dollar if you don't have an account with them! You can also set up automatic payments for a set period of time (at your bank), crazy but very convenient. So I was able to kill two birds with one trip to the bank, and set up my gas payments and get my monies out of the bank. Why did I kill two birds? Well that's my business.

So with thousands of Korean won in my sweaty little hand I went to the gym, next door to the bank. I went inside with a change of clothes, wearing my gym shoes, ready to join up and work out. But it was not to be! They would not let me in! Why, you ask? Because I did not have a second pair of shoes! They had a two shoe policy! How was I to know?

I knew that in a lot of places in Korea, for example my school, you wear slippers inside, and leave your shoes at the door. Of course you don't have to do that in grocery stores, or movie theaters, or aquariums or places like that. You have to in schools, homes, and some restaurants. I though the gym, where you don't wear slippers it would make sense just to need one pair! So once again I failed.

Today I have money, I have workout clothes(also a must for working out) I have extra shoes, so I should be able to do it! Unless I get hit by a bus or something on my way there. Its entirely possible.

I'm lovin it.

I was teaching a class one day, and in the lesson there was a story about a dog named Yeppie who destroyed someone's flower garden. Naughty Yeppie! Well anyway, I was interacting with the class and asking what should the owner do with his dog? Should he keep Yeppie inside? Should he keep Yeppie on a leash?

One girl raised her hand and said "Eeh sherd eeet Yeppie."
Now I was pretty sure I misheard that. "He should beat yeppie? No you shouldn't beat your pets." I said.

"No" she said "Eeh sherd eeet Yeppie!" and then she mimed eating, a delicious albeit naughty dog.

I was shocked! I asked my co-teacher "You don't really still eat dogs here? Do you?" she just laughed and smiled. Then I asked the class who had actually eaten dog in the class, and half the students raised their hands.

People love to eat meat in Korea, almost as much as in the US. But they also eat dog, which is uncommon in the US, unless you count corn and hotdogs. Here they have restaurants that specialize in dog meat stew.

When I first decided to come to Korea, I thought that was a myth. That eating dog was a racist stereotype, that might have been true in the past but they are a civilized, modern country that would not do that now, right? For some reason I equated a modern public transportation system and abundantly available high speed internet with not eating dog.

For those who read my blog(both of you) it is important to realize that my family and I are Vegans. We are tree-hugging, earth saving, liberal, leftist, socialist, atheist, vegans and we love it. Although I was shocked to find out that they still eat dog here, when I stopped to think about it, it is really worse than eating any other animal?

My wife says yes definitely. It is more wrong to eat a smart animal. So according to her it would be worse to eat a pig (smarter than a dog) than a dog. Cow would fall below dog, but above chicken, who would be above fish. Fish would be above clams, and clams would be above Glen Beck fans.

She also says if it can love you, you shouldn't eat it. I say that I don't really believe that dogs love you, sure they might like you, but occasionally they rip our faces off. Is that love? Maybe a chicken could love you too. You never know unless you give it a chance.