Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Mirror mirror

Today while washing my hands in the bathroom (vely un-Korean) I happened to glance into the mirror. I don't look at myself in the mirror very often, not that I am ugly or anything, in fact quite the opposite really. It has often been said that I look like Brad Pitt's fatter, balder, uglier no-biological brother.

While admiring myself I noticed that I had not shaved in several days. When I shave, I do my whole head, not because going bald, but because I prefer the Mr. Clean look. When I grow my beard... well actually I cant.

My dream....

For some reason, the one Native American gene passed down from my great grandparents was the one to not grow much facial hair. I briefly considered trying to grow one, since I have not tried in a few years, maybe it will fill out better this time. But who am I kidding? The few times I have tried to grow a Grizzly Adams, my wife teased me because she can literally grow a thicker mustache than me. Most 13 year old boys have thicker facial hair than me, hell even Koreans can grow a better beard.

You might be asking why I would even want to grow a beard, well I am originally from the North. I know that I have written before, that I hated it there, and its nothing but rednecks. Well the truth is I did not leave the North by choice. I actually loved it there, I never wanted to leave, I was banished... for not having a beard.

Its true, they ran me out of that little town, pitchforks and flaming torches in hand. They wanted to cleanse the land of the monstrous un-bearded freak. I cannot return to reclaim my throne until a beard can be grown. Or so says the prophesy. So I ran to the lower 48 to train and improve my beard growing skills. Well, that did not work out too well.

What little I grow is a mix of thick black hairs and translucent blond hairs that make my beard look impossibly thin. I grow just enough facial scruff to make it my neck itchy, and give my wife rug burns between her legs. Often. Except when she is on the rag. I don't do hotwings.

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