You better not blog about this!

"You better not blog about this!" is a threat I receive daily from Mrs. Superfantabulous. It is OK if she blogs about my manorexia, or bouts with soju but should I mention the batshit crazy stuff she does, it somehow violates her privacy.

That is why I wont blog about how since our children went back to the USA she has become a Howard Hues like shut in, never leaving the house except to go to work.

I will not blog about how she slapped me in the face while on a crowded bus, because I happened to be singing the song 99 problems to myself.



I also will not mention how when waiting for a bus, she decided to head butt me, and then said to me accusingly "Why did you do that?" or how this morning, she decided to take a shower, disrobed then spontaneously started doing stretches in front of our wide open windows, much to the delight of any Korean who happened to be wandering by at the time.

For respect for my wife and her privacy I will not be blogging about any of these things now or in the immediate future, because I am a good husband.

Bad news everyone.

Today my wife informed me that she would not be providing me with anymore material for my blog.

"Oh" I said. "How are you going to stop?"

"I am going to act perfectly normal from now on."

Of course that by itself, is not entirely normal.

She made this statement while playing GTA4 (where all she does is kill people for money and have sex with her girlfriend). She loves to get into shoving matches with pedestrians, so they fight her, then she runs away. The whole time they are chasing her, she is screaming at the TV until she finds a cop who arrests them. She will spend hours doing this.

But even though she keeps yelling at me, to see if I am currently blogging about her, she will not be providing anymore tidbits of wackiness, or bizarre behavior for this blog.

Of course she also spent the better part of this morning walking around stark naked. Then she did yoga stretches naked, in front of our children. So there is that...

Now for some crazy shit

I just read this story on the interwebs, some of the shit that rattles out of these series of tubes just blows my mind.

Crazy spiral thingy over Norway

the new ManDate

My co-teacher is trying to set me up on man dates. She wants her husband to do a fun activity with me sometime, but he is really shy so that does not look like it will happen. She has a brother in Law, and apparently he wanted me to call him, or have phone conversations with him, but I thought that was weird so told her I don't like talking on the phone.

Today she asked if would be OK if I went on an overnight trip sometime. I thought she meant for a school activity, and I said sure. Then she asked if I wanted to go camping with her sister in Law sometime.

I was like "Your sister in law?"

She said "Yes my sister in law"

I said "(Is she cute?(in my head)) She wants to go camping with me?"

She said "No he wants to go camping with you."

"Ohhh, your brother in law!"

He did not actually suggest this, it turns out this is all her cunning little scheme to man-date us. Even though she said she could "guarantee" his personality, I was pretty sketched out by the idea and she could tell. So she backed down to a day long fun activity, and I said maybe. It would not be too bad if I got to go somewhere and have some strange dude foot the bill.

It turns out he is the principle(her words) for some university, so if I play my cards right, it could mean a University gig for me sometime in the future, which would be schweeet!

Triple fail!

So I left work yesterday, totally convinced I would finally feel the burn! I headed off to the gym, and ran into my wife on the way there. It was really cold, and she told me not to go to the gym. She said I should not join the gym, she told me to just come home with her.

"But I want big muscles!" I whined.

"Your muscles are big enough!" she said as the skinny 130lb. woman dragged me towards the bus stop with one hand.

I finally convinced her to stop womanhandeling me, and I went on my merry way. I reached the gym (no random bus attacks) and went inside. The man who stopped me from coming in last time looked up from behind the desk, ready to pounce the moment I put my filthy outside sneakers ohis pristine floor. Aha! I was prepared this time though! I pulled from the depths of a plastic sack, a pair of clean GYM SHOES! Take that tiny Mongol warrior! I slipped my shoes on, I was ready to face him!

I strode up to the desk confidently, I pulled out my wallet.

"I would like a one month membership, please"

"OK" he said "Just one montheu?"

"The four month offer was tempting, a lower rate plus a shiny new gym bag, but my history with consistent working out was shaky to say the least. I thought I better play it safe this time.

"Yes, one month"

"OK, what is your cerr phone numbereu?"

"Uh..." I had to think fast, the phone is new and I dont call myself. I could not remember it, maybe it would tell me? I opened my phone, on previous phones my number was always displayed when opened. This cursed mongol phone however, did no such thing. Blast! What now?
I thought to my self maybe my home # would work, it is in my phone.

"How about my home number? I cant remember my cell"

"No!" he screamed. Well, actually he did not scream, I was being dramatic. But he did say "Cerr phoneeu only prease!"

Shit, did I come all this way, just to fail now? NO! I did not give up I had to succeed! "How about my home phone?" I cleverly suggested again.

"OK, home phone OK" he conceded.

My power of persuasion is formidable indeed. I paid the man, and he showed me around the gym, where to put my stuff, and gave me an orange. Yeah an orange. He also said that I dont need to bring a towel because they provide them as a free service. Nice.

"You change in here OK?"

"OK!" I said after receiving a complimentary towel, roughly the size of a paper napkin. While putting my stuff away, and wondering roughly how much the towel would actually be able to conceal/dry off, tragedy struck!

My gym pants were gone! I could have swore I packed them last night! I checked again! Damn! they still were not in my backpack! Perhaps a triple check, would yeild a different result! NO! They still were not there! I had my money, check. I had my shoes, check. I had a phone #, check. I had my work out clothes, no check.

I hung my head in shame, I left the locker room, I gave back the towels, I left the gym, I put back on my street shoes and went home. All I had to show for 3 days of trying, and after paying 30,000 won for a membership was one tiny, albeit very tasty orange. It had better be fucking tasty for 30,000 won!

Third times the charm!

Today I am going to the gym. At least I am going to try again. I have been trying to join this gym that is kinda close to my school since monday, but have failed at every attempt. I choose to try to get a membership at this one because the one in the town I live in(which is larger and more convient) cost 85,000 won a month for a membership. That is pretty fricking steep. The one by the school is 30,000 won a month, or "not so fucking steep" as some might say.

On Monday(which was payday) it was not really I who failed, but stupid, fucking NH bank. For those of you that don't know NH bank is a pretty big bank in Korea, but it is also a farmer bank. They have big ass bags of rice sitting in the lobby for fucks sake. Well anyway, banks here close at 4:30pm which is when I get off work. So when I got to the bank, and my bank book(I dont have a bank card yet) would not work, I could not get any money out. So after randomly smashing buttons on the Korean language ATM (if I tried the English button it instantly failed) I had to concede victory to NH bank. You may have one this battle, but the war is not over yet...

The next day I was able to get off work early to go set up automatic gas payments at the bank. That is another weird little fun fact about Korea. When you get a gas bill, you pay it at the bank...I know crazy, right? It can be any bank, even if you don't have an account at it! Back in America, they wont even give you change for a dollar if you don't have an account with them! You can also set up automatic payments for a set period of time (at your bank), crazy but very convenient. So I was able to kill two birds with one trip to the bank, and set up my gas payments and get my monies out of the bank. Why did I kill two birds? Well that's my business.

So with thousands of Korean won in my sweaty little hand I went to the gym, next door to the bank. I went inside with a change of clothes, wearing my gym shoes, ready to join up and work out. But it was not to be! They would not let me in! Why, you ask? Because I did not have a second pair of shoes! They had a two shoe policy! How was I to know?

I knew that in a lot of places in Korea, for example my school, you wear slippers inside, and leave your shoes at the door. Of course you don't have to do that in grocery stores, or movie theaters, or aquariums or places like that. You have to in schools, homes, and some restaurants. I though the gym, where you don't wear slippers it would make sense just to need one pair! So once again I failed.

Today I have money, I have workout clothes(also a must for working out) I have extra shoes, so I should be able to do it! Unless I get hit by a bus or something on my way there. Its entirely possible.