My boobs hurt

I finally made it to the gym on friday. The gym I joined is slightly below ground level, and it has windows along the street. As I worked out for a good hour or so on friday, I noticed all the people stopping and staring at the Waegook working out. Some of them were my students, who stupidly waved and gestured through the windows at me.

I felt more awkward and uncomfortable than I ever have at a gym. Its not that the equipment was that different, or hard to use, but the gym manager insisted on following me around and explaining on how to use everything. I kept telling him that I did not need help, but that only seemed to encourage him.

He showed me how to use the treadmill, no different from those in the US, save the 20 inch TV screen mounted on each one, with a remote control. I have to admit that is pretty cool.

He showed me how to adjust the standard equipment equipment found in every gym in the world.

The only thing I had to ask about was the water. There was a water cooler with what looked like a box of tissues on top of it, and no cups in sight. I asked him how you get the water. He looked at me like I was an idiot, and pointed to the box of tissues. The tissues turned out to be little paper envelopes that you fill with water and then discard. I felt kind of stupid.

When he finally left me alone I worked out. I lifted, sweated, and struggled my way through a lose upper body workout and then called it quits.

I grabbed a couple tissue sized towels and headed to the locker room. I need to take a piss, but strangely there was no toilet in the locker room. I decided to hold it. I took a shower. No one was there. I decided not to hold it.

I left the steamy, slightly urine smelling shower, got dressed and went home.

And now my boobs are sore, my triceps are sore, every part of my body that I worked out is sore.

Why the hell did I want to join a gym so bad?

Quadruple fail.

Uhhhhhh!!!! I forgot my shoes yesterday, AGAIN! I will never work out, ever...I am doomed to be a fat usless lump, oh well.

In other news, I shall recount the riveting tale of my stinky shoes that was accidentally deleted on Wednesday.

It all started one fateful morning. Having failed the previous two attempts to join a gym and work out, I got on that bus with my determination in my heart, and a bag with spare shoes clutched tightly in my sweaty little hand. The bus that day was not packed to massive forced dry-humping standards as is the usual 7:50 bus to work. So the day was starting out with a bang and not a gang bang, but still I was in a good mood. I chose to stand next to the rear exit for easy egress, just in case the bus became once again packed to the gills.

The woman who was fortunate enough to claim a much coveted seat on the public bus, had the bad fortune to pick the one next to where I would stand. The poor thing had a kind heart and graciously offered to hold my bag of shoes, whilst I clung for dear life to one of the few vertical poles on the bus.

For those that don't know, riding public transportation in Korea is considered a full body workout, even while seated. Fun fact! 50% of reported injuries and fatalities caused by buses in Korea actually happen inside the buses! They are caused when a person loses their grip and are flung around inside the rocketing vehicle until their neck snaps.

Bus drivers are hired out of local insane asylums and sent to America to train on the NASCAR circuit. The regular foot brakes in all buses are removed, and thus only the emergency break can be used to stop the vehicle. All the drivers have been convinced that there is a bomb on the bus and if it slows down to below 55 at anytime between assigned stops it will go off, just like in speed.

The woman smiled at me and motioned for me to give her the bag, she was not robbing me of course, she was just trying to be polite. I had seen people do this before, so I knew she wasn't going to "Jack my shoes". I briefly considered not giving the her the bag to hold onto, but I have a family that depends on me, so I decided not to risk only being able to cling for dear life with one hand. As soon as her tiny hands latched onto the plastic wrapped payload, the smile disappeared.

Perhaps some background on my feet is in order. Many years ago, when money was very tight my wife and I heard about selling shoes on E-Bay. We found out that there are people with specific fetishes especially for used shoes. Yes, people on E-Bay would like to buy my used running, workout, and work shoes and sandals. There were two requirements for this though. The shoes had to be worn enough that there was an imprint of my feet in the souls and the second was, the stinkier the better. If your shoes really smelled, you would get good reviews, and if they really, really smelled they would offer you more money if they could send the shoes back to have them "recharged". (this is all true) What was really funny is that I often sold my shoes for more than what I originally paid for them.

To comply with EPA regulations I should have labeled that bag with a Bio-hazard symbol. The woman began to look kind of uneasy holding the bag, and maybe it was just motion sickness from the bus, but she began to look kind of sick too. I felt bad for handing them to her, but she wanted to do it. When someone finally exited the bus, leaving a seat open, she frantically gestured towards it. She thrust the bag at me, and I took it thereby ending her suffering. I sat down and in my lap, closer to my face. I could barely tolerate the smell wafting from the bag. And everyone always prefers their own product.

Triple fail!

So I left work yesterday, totally convinced I would finally feel the burn! I headed off to the gym, and ran into my wife on the way there. It was really cold, and she told me not to go to the gym. She said I should not join the gym, she told me to just come home with her.

"But I want big muscles!" I whined.

"Your muscles are big enough!" she said as the skinny 130lb. woman dragged me towards the bus stop with one hand.

I finally convinced her to stop womanhandeling me, and I went on my merry way. I reached the gym (no random bus attacks) and went inside. The man who stopped me from coming in last time looked up from behind the desk, ready to pounce the moment I put my filthy outside sneakers ohis pristine floor. Aha! I was prepared this time though! I pulled from the depths of a plastic sack, a pair of clean GYM SHOES! Take that tiny Mongol warrior! I slipped my shoes on, I was ready to face him!

I strode up to the desk confidently, I pulled out my wallet.

"I would like a one month membership, please"

"OK" he said "Just one montheu?"

"The four month offer was tempting, a lower rate plus a shiny new gym bag, but my history with consistent working out was shaky to say the least. I thought I better play it safe this time.

"Yes, one month"

"OK, what is your cerr phone numbereu?"

"Uh..." I had to think fast, the phone is new and I dont call myself. I could not remember it, maybe it would tell me? I opened my phone, on previous phones my number was always displayed when opened. This cursed mongol phone however, did no such thing. Blast! What now?
I thought to my self maybe my home # would work, it is in my phone.

"How about my home number? I cant remember my cell"

"No!" he screamed. Well, actually he did not scream, I was being dramatic. But he did say "Cerr phoneeu only prease!"

Shit, did I come all this way, just to fail now? NO! I did not give up I had to succeed! "How about my home phone?" I cleverly suggested again.

"OK, home phone OK" he conceded.

My power of persuasion is formidable indeed. I paid the man, and he showed me around the gym, where to put my stuff, and gave me an orange. Yeah an orange. He also said that I dont need to bring a towel because they provide them as a free service. Nice.

"You change in here OK?"

"OK!" I said after receiving a complimentary towel, roughly the size of a paper napkin. While putting my stuff away, and wondering roughly how much the towel would actually be able to conceal/dry off, tragedy struck!

My gym pants were gone! I could have swore I packed them last night! I checked again! Damn! they still were not in my backpack! Perhaps a triple check, would yeild a different result! NO! They still were not there! I had my money, check. I had my shoes, check. I had a phone #, check. I had my work out clothes, no check.

I hung my head in shame, I left the locker room, I gave back the towels, I left the gym, I put back on my street shoes and went home. All I had to show for 3 days of trying, and after paying 30,000 won for a membership was one tiny, albeit very tasty orange. It had better be fucking tasty for 30,000 won!

Third times the charm!

Today I am going to the gym. At least I am going to try again. I have been trying to join this gym that is kinda close to my school since monday, but have failed at every attempt. I choose to try to get a membership at this one because the one in the town I live in(which is larger and more convient) cost 85,000 won a month for a membership. That is pretty fricking steep. The one by the school is 30,000 won a month, or "not so fucking steep" as some might say.

On Monday(which was payday) it was not really I who failed, but stupid, fucking NH bank. For those of you that don't know NH bank is a pretty big bank in Korea, but it is also a farmer bank. They have big ass bags of rice sitting in the lobby for fucks sake. Well anyway, banks here close at 4:30pm which is when I get off work. So when I got to the bank, and my bank book(I dont have a bank card yet) would not work, I could not get any money out. So after randomly smashing buttons on the Korean language ATM (if I tried the English button it instantly failed) I had to concede victory to NH bank. You may have one this battle, but the war is not over yet...

The next day I was able to get off work early to go set up automatic gas payments at the bank. That is another weird little fun fact about Korea. When you get a gas bill, you pay it at the bank...I know crazy, right? It can be any bank, even if you don't have an account at it! Back in America, they wont even give you change for a dollar if you don't have an account with them! You can also set up automatic payments for a set period of time (at your bank), crazy but very convenient. So I was able to kill two birds with one trip to the bank, and set up my gas payments and get my monies out of the bank. Why did I kill two birds? Well that's my business.

So with thousands of Korean won in my sweaty little hand I went to the gym, next door to the bank. I went inside with a change of clothes, wearing my gym shoes, ready to join up and work out. But it was not to be! They would not let me in! Why, you ask? Because I did not have a second pair of shoes! They had a two shoe policy! How was I to know?

I knew that in a lot of places in Korea, for example my school, you wear slippers inside, and leave your shoes at the door. Of course you don't have to do that in grocery stores, or movie theaters, or aquariums or places like that. You have to in schools, homes, and some restaurants. I though the gym, where you don't wear slippers it would make sense just to need one pair! So once again I failed.

Today I have money, I have workout clothes(also a must for working out) I have extra shoes, so I should be able to do it! Unless I get hit by a bus or something on my way there. Its entirely possible.