Pie

My wife is not know for her amazing cooking skills. In fact she is actually known for her complete lack of cooking skills. Yet every year around Thanksgiving time, it is time for her to bake a pumpkin pie.

I believe she grows insanely jealous from every year from all the praise and adoration that I receive for my massive cooking skillz and cock. So she ventures into the unfamiliar territory of the kitchen to ruin approximation 16 ounces of pumpkin, sugar, coconut milk, egg re-placer and pumpkin pie spice.

In the previous years we have experienced, burned pies, sugarless pies, pies with roughly 10 millimeters thick and the infamous "pie with no crust". This is my wife's usually process for cooking pumpkin pie:

Step one: Forget to cook the pumpkin.
Step two: Randomly substitute ingredients.
Step three: Burn the pie.
Step four: Serve burned pie-like abomination, then wonder why no one wants a piece.

This year however, my wife took the radical step of actually finding a recipe for pie. She went shopping and bought the actual ingredients. She still forgot to cook the pumpkin, but lucky she married me, so I cooked the pumpkin and scooped into a bowl for her.

She then measured the ingredients and put them into a blender. After arguing with me and others about random ingredient swapping (she relented, and finally decided that based on history, it wasn't such a good idea) she blended the ingredients and then wandered off.

So I made a crust for her. And poured the pie mix into the crusts. I however made her cook them herself. However, after putting them in the oven, she promptly forgot all about them. Luckily her Uncle's convection oven uses a timer, and it shut off by itself before it burned the pie to a crisp.

The pie this year did not turn out so bad, especially when covered with copious amounts of my famous vegan whipped topping.

Tired, so very tired

I had a big day today. First I walked to the ATM to get money so we could go to the doctor, dentist, dinner and get groceries. Then I made Kimchi.
Then I did my daily punishment with the blond dominatrix known as Zuzana.

Here is the link if you are interested.


I am at home on vacation right now, so I actually have to do more work than when I am "working". I have to feed, take care of, punish and wrangle two little kids now. I also have to clean, work out, shop and on top of all that go take them to the doctor and dentist.

First we had to brave the public transportation system, and travel about 40 minutes to get to the general area of the hospital. I say general area, because we really had no Idea where the fucking thing was, but that's how we roll. Maps, address, and planning is for pussies.

Amazingly we found the hospital right off the bat. My wife and I saw a physician for various aches and pains, she got her knee x-rayed. It cost 140,000 won (roughly $140) we thought it would be cheaper though. I got about a dozen x-rays for my knees, lower back, shoulders, knees again, shoulders again, and lower back again. It cost 70,000 won. I paid half as much to have 4xs more x rays. ?????

Then we went to the dentist. The kids each had two cavities. Back home it was costing us $160 a cavity without insurance. Each filling cost $100. Again, from what we have heard we thought it would cost less.

With the cleanings our bill came out at 560,000 won. Between the doctor and dentist we dropped almost 800,000 won. I think we have getting fucked by health care professionals. Still x-rays alone back in the US are usuall $140 a pop or so, the ones I got today would have been well over a grand by themselves, since the x-ray technician (who did not go behind a lead wall when he took the x-rays, by the way) took at least four shots for each body region.

Then we went to dinner. That only cost 28,000 for all four of us, and it was good. It was a floor sitting place, which I fucking hate, but luckily we were next to a wall, which I could lean against. My legs still fell asleep there, and when we were done, I ambled out like a drunken sailor, but the food was great, so that is all that really maters.

It was another of the Loving hut locations, each one is completely different. In the good ole USA if something is a chain, each place is virtually identical. We have been to three different places here, and the only thing they have in common is they all have wide screen TVs blaring vegan propaganda non-stop. Which we like, it makes us feel superior to the lesser meat eater. Forgive them supreme master, they know not what they do...

Now we are back home, and I am ready to just go to sleep. But my wife wants to watch a show, and she will probably try to rape me again at some point. Such is life.

Triple fail!

So I left work yesterday, totally convinced I would finally feel the burn! I headed off to the gym, and ran into my wife on the way there. It was really cold, and she told me not to go to the gym. She said I should not join the gym, she told me to just come home with her.

"But I want big muscles!" I whined.

"Your muscles are big enough!" she said as the skinny 130lb. woman dragged me towards the bus stop with one hand.

I finally convinced her to stop womanhandeling me, and I went on my merry way. I reached the gym (no random bus attacks) and went inside. The man who stopped me from coming in last time looked up from behind the desk, ready to pounce the moment I put my filthy outside sneakers ohis pristine floor. Aha! I was prepared this time though! I pulled from the depths of a plastic sack, a pair of clean GYM SHOES! Take that tiny Mongol warrior! I slipped my shoes on, I was ready to face him!

I strode up to the desk confidently, I pulled out my wallet.

"I would like a one month membership, please"

"OK" he said "Just one montheu?"

"The four month offer was tempting, a lower rate plus a shiny new gym bag, but my history with consistent working out was shaky to say the least. I thought I better play it safe this time.

"Yes, one month"

"OK, what is your cerr phone numbereu?"

"Uh..." I had to think fast, the phone is new and I dont call myself. I could not remember it, maybe it would tell me? I opened my phone, on previous phones my number was always displayed when opened. This cursed mongol phone however, did no such thing. Blast! What now?
I thought to my self maybe my home # would work, it is in my phone.

"How about my home number? I cant remember my cell"

"No!" he screamed. Well, actually he did not scream, I was being dramatic. But he did say "Cerr phoneeu only prease!"

Shit, did I come all this way, just to fail now? NO! I did not give up I had to succeed! "How about my home phone?" I cleverly suggested again.

"OK, home phone OK" he conceded.

My power of persuasion is formidable indeed. I paid the man, and he showed me around the gym, where to put my stuff, and gave me an orange. Yeah an orange. He also said that I dont need to bring a towel because they provide them as a free service. Nice.

"You change in here OK?"

"OK!" I said after receiving a complimentary towel, roughly the size of a paper napkin. While putting my stuff away, and wondering roughly how much the towel would actually be able to conceal/dry off, tragedy struck!

My gym pants were gone! I could have swore I packed them last night! I checked again! Damn! they still were not in my backpack! Perhaps a triple check, would yeild a different result! NO! They still were not there! I had my money, check. I had my shoes, check. I had a phone #, check. I had my work out clothes, no check.

I hung my head in shame, I left the locker room, I gave back the towels, I left the gym, I put back on my street shoes and went home. All I had to show for 3 days of trying, and after paying 30,000 won for a membership was one tiny, albeit very tasty orange. It had better be fucking tasty for 30,000 won!

I'm lovin it.

I was teaching a class one day, and in the lesson there was a story about a dog named Yeppie who destroyed someone's flower garden. Naughty Yeppie! Well anyway, I was interacting with the class and asking what should the owner do with his dog? Should he keep Yeppie inside? Should he keep Yeppie on a leash?

One girl raised her hand and said "Eeh sherd eeet Yeppie."
Now I was pretty sure I misheard that. "He should beat yeppie? No you shouldn't beat your pets." I said.

"No" she said "Eeh sherd eeet Yeppie!" and then she mimed eating, a delicious albeit naughty dog.

I was shocked! I asked my co-teacher "You don't really still eat dogs here? Do you?" she just laughed and smiled. Then I asked the class who had actually eaten dog in the class, and half the students raised their hands.

People love to eat meat in Korea, almost as much as in the US. But they also eat dog, which is uncommon in the US, unless you count corn and hotdogs. Here they have restaurants that specialize in dog meat stew.

When I first decided to come to Korea, I thought that was a myth. That eating dog was a racist stereotype, that might have been true in the past but they are a civilized, modern country that would not do that now, right? For some reason I equated a modern public transportation system and abundantly available high speed internet with not eating dog.

For those who read my blog(both of you) it is important to realize that my family and I are Vegans. We are tree-hugging, earth saving, liberal, leftist, socialist, atheist, vegans and we love it. Although I was shocked to find out that they still eat dog here, when I stopped to think about it, it is really worse than eating any other animal?

My wife says yes definitely. It is more wrong to eat a smart animal. So according to her it would be worse to eat a pig (smarter than a dog) than a dog. Cow would fall below dog, but above chicken, who would be above fish. Fish would be above clams, and clams would be above Glen Beck fans.

She also says if it can love you, you shouldn't eat it. I say that I don't really believe that dogs love you, sure they might like you, but occasionally they rip our faces off. Is that love? Maybe a chicken could love you too. You never know unless you give it a chance.

Just because I am paranoid...

I have always been a paranoid person. Growing up I always had these fantasy/delusions that everything around me was fake, and either the government or aliens were spying on me through hidden cameras placed throughout my world. Although I never really believed it, in the back of my mind I always felt like that movie the Truman show, and honestly, that movie kinda freaked me out. It was so close to what I always felt as a child. It is all part of being really egotistical, from this belief that I am so important, the center of the world really, so I am worth spying on constantly. It would have been a really boring show if you ask me. Unless you would like to watch a show about a kid who watches a lot of TV, or 14-18 year old boys masturbate constantly.
I never really, truly believed that I was part of some hideous experiment by aliens, or that the US government was watching my every move, but since I have moved to Korea...Well being the only White people in a see of Yellow, you get stared at constantly, sometimes they literally stop what they are doing and watch what I do with an incredulous look and dropped jaw. Not speaking Korean, I always get the feeling that people are talking about me but I never know for sure. To make things worse, a melody, followed by a mysterious voice will play through speakers in our walls. The message is in a language I dont understand, but I can tell it is different sometimes. It usually comes on a little while after I get home from going shopping, or getting back from work. I cant help but feel like maybe, just maybe it is talking about me. "The wayguk has returned from work, you may resume your normal activities..." "The foreigner purchased the following items today..." Anyway, it totally creeps me out.