Happy birthday Korea!

I got back into work today after a long weekend. Sunday was the lunar new year, which is a big important holiday in Korea. Everyone goes home, gives food to their ancestors, eats soup with rice cake and get a year older. Happy birthday Korea!

We spent the weekend inside, watching the Olympics and movies. We watched "2012" which is a movie about the end of the world. Personally I like disaster and apocalypse movies, which this film seemed to combine, only they did it in a way that totally sucked ass.

It was truly an awful film, and I was glad when the 2 and 1/2 hour piece of shit was over. I did appreciate that the majority of the human race was destroyed in the movie, but it was just so ridiculous that I could not enjoy the film. Its not like I really want people to die, but I would like to see a decline in the human population. Unfortunately we have a bunch of Catholics, Muslims, and Mormons all trying to out breed each other in a desperate bid for control of the worlds faith.

I once read about a program that India started, where they were giving young men stereos or other prizes in exchange for getting a free vasectomy. I thought that it was a brilliant idea. They had to stop it though, because the parents started complaining, they did not want to be denied grandchildren, illegitimate or otherwise. Having a giant family that you cannot feed or support is very important to the people of India.

I think all countries should do that though. Give an ipod or iphone to every male who gets a free vasectomy. Vasectomies are reversible, and less invasive than tubal ligation. Then when a young man is ready to start a family, and financially secure enough to have the process reversed, then he can get with the baby making. There would be a lot less single teen mothers, neglected children and a lower burden on the welfare system in countries if they did that.

It would not be without controversy of course. Religious groups would have a problem with it, even though it would drastically cut the number of abortions. Minorities would complain that they would be targeted in the US, because we are trying to stop them from breeding. Of course teenager, being young and stupid would have massive amounts of unprotected sex because of the lack of sexual education in the US and STDs rates would probably increase. There is also an increased risk of prostate cancer associated with vasectomies (as I found out after I had one). Would the dangers of a massive sterilization program outweigh the consequences of unwanted wanted pregnancy and irresponsible reproduction? I think so.

Even though I am guilty of increasing the world's population by two, and love my kids more than anything in the world, I would have preferred to have started my family after I graduated college. Because of my irresponsible sexual behavior I have been on and off of food stamps, and a drain on the public heath plan for 12 years. During my periods of unemployment or even underemployment, the cost of a vasectomy was less than my monthly allowance of food stamps. The state could have saved probably at least $5,000 a year if I had a vasectomy at the age of 19.

Bad news everyone.

Today my wife informed me that she would not be providing me with anymore material for my blog.

"Oh" I said. "How are you going to stop?"

"I am going to act perfectly normal from now on."

Of course that by itself, is not entirely normal.

She made this statement while playing GTA4 (where all she does is kill people for money and have sex with her girlfriend). She loves to get into shoving matches with pedestrians, so they fight her, then she runs away. The whole time they are chasing her, she is screaming at the TV until she finds a cop who arrests them. She will spend hours doing this.

But even though she keeps yelling at me, to see if I am currently blogging about her, she will not be providing anymore tidbits of wackiness, or bizarre behavior for this blog.

Of course she also spent the better part of this morning walking around stark naked. Then she did yoga stretches naked, in front of our children. So there is that...

Dammit google!

Like many teachers, I use the internets in my classroom. When students, or co-teachers do not know a vocabulary word, and I cannot explain it with exaggerated gestures or in smaller words, I google it. Unfortunately you never know what you are going to get when you use a google search.

For example. No one knew what pale yellow was. They understood yellow, but you throw pale in front of the word, and it is utter confusion! Pale? How can it be teacher? Well I throw it into a google search and bam! Pictures of pale yellow.
No problem, pictures of flowers and bed sheets and swatches. It was fine. Then I did Aqua. A word they have never heard before.

"What is Aqua, Teacher?"

"Let me show you!"

"Ohhhhh!"



I guess aqua is the color of hot wet sex, with razors!

Then I did a section on going to a bakery. Bread, its harmless, completely unsexy, it should be fine. Right?

"Class do you know what a loaf is?"

"No!"

"Here, I will show you."

Nice google, real classy.

OK class, how about the post office? There cant be anything bad at the post office...Can there?

"Teacher, what stamp?"

"Let me google that for you!"

"You see, this lovely young lady has a stamp..."

"sodomized by my wife"

I have google analytics. "sodomized by my wife" was recently used to find my blog. Nice.

Last night my wife and I were getting ready for bed, and of course our kids were fighting us. Our youngest pulled out an argument that took us both by surprise.

"I dont want to go to bed because the other night when I went to the bathroom, you were making love really loud and it freaked me out!"

"Uh...well go to bed anyway."

That is a great thing about being a parent, the power of being able to mentally and emotionally scar someone for their entire life. It gives you a good feeling inside.

My wife is now a MOD on Asmith's message board. She is intimidated by how mean some people are being. She has trouble standing up to people she does not know. She has no problem being a total bitch to friends and family, but she wants strangers to like her, so she is usually really nice to them. She lets them give her candy, and will take rides in their windowless vans and everything.

That's all I got for right now, ROK on everyone.

Sexy time

Yesterday after the ordeal with the test kwestions, I went home early! First I got invited to lunch.

"Would you rike to have runch with us?"

"Oh I dont know, what is lunch?"

"It is lice soup and Kim-chi."

"Oh that sounds good."

"With the juice of chicken, and dog."

"You know what, I am not really hungry."

I hear that Korean men eat the dog soup to Increase their Libidos and cure hangovers. I guess they are somehow related. But I need no help with my Libido my friend. I went home yesterday, and the kids were at Piano, my sister in Law was back in the states, and my wife was alone, in the bedroom. I was in the mood for some afternoon delight.

"Hi honey"

"What are you doing here?" (she is speaking to me again)

"I got out early, lets fuck."

"No."

"Why not"

"The kids are at piano, so I am writing my final." My wife, unlike me has no TESOL certification, and therefore gets 100,000 won less than me each month. In her contract it says once she gets a TESOL or TEFL 100 hour certification, she gets that bump in pay.

"All I am asking for is 5 minutes of your time."

"Quit trying to distract me, I have procrastinated enough, and I need to finish this!"

Dejected and neglected, I went to the living room and masturbated. I should have expected it though, I have been married for almost 13 years now. We already had sex this month, twice. Remember how angry she was at me for my Soju bender, well the night Asmith blogged about us we made sweet sweet love. I am not giving Asmith credit for it though, it was just a coincidence. That man doesn't need his ego to get any bigger than it already is.

It took me about a year to learn how to make that woman Cum during intercourse, but 13 years later, she had about 8 orgasms that night. The trick is getting the first one, I would compare the woman to a diesel engine on a cold winters day. It wont turn over until you get it nice and heated up, that oil needs to be nice and hot so that all the parts are lubricated and turning, and once you get that first ignition things run nice and smooth.

Then we had sex the following morning. She had 10 orgasms in the morning, which is surprising because she is not a morning person.

So I probably wont get another crack at it until Christmas, but you never know, I might have to wait till new years, if she reads this entry.

The ESL cafe is for queers, and chronic masturbaters. Dave and all the mods put the bag in Douchebag.