Breakfast in bed

Today my wife did something nice for me. In the thirteen years we have been married today was the first time she ever brought me breakfast in bed. I was very appreciative, yet very tired, I said "thank you", and because I was still tired and not feeling well (I just have been sick since friday) I set it down next to the bed and rolled over, planning on eating it later. After a while I decided to get up and have my breakfast my wife had thoughtfully brought for me.

Only the breakfast was gone. She had of course eaten it.

Thanks dear.

This morning

My wife and I have a daily ritual. We both wake up at about 7:15, turn on the tea kettle, have some fruit and tea and watch the news until it is time to go to work. The only reason I watch the news is to see how shitty the weather will be for the next three days.

We only have 6 channels on our TV; they are the free channels because we are too cheap to pay for a good TV package where they might have some shows in English. So we sit through the Korean news shows, where somebody did something bad, and they are in a police station with their jackets pulled over their heads in shame. Someone snuck a video camera into some seminar or presentation where everyone's face needs to be blurred and their voices distorted. And something about Korean food, usually with a westerner trying it, or the locals making exaggerated face for how fucking good the kimchi is.

I just want the weather, because I have no idea what the fuck is going on with the rest of it. I can understand a graphic of a rain cloud or snowstorm to beat shit though. Even though the metric system and measuring temperatures in Celsius is not from my native land, I know when it’s going to be need a jacket weather, and freezing my fucking nuts off cold.

While watching the tiny cute weather girl talk gibberish about the 3 day forecast today, my wife went into a sneezing fit. She sneezed so hard something flew out of her mouth onto her sleeve.

Then my wife said "Ewww Gross.” Which I wholeheartedly agreed with. Then she ate it. I am not fucking kidding, this happened. She sneezed something up, a bit of food or mucous, pronounced it as gross then fucking ate it. Really.

I called WTF on it.

She said "What? It was probably just some pear."

I said "You sneezed out something onto your sleeve, said "ewww, gross" then ate it. I am so blogging about this."

And I did.

My wife is a secret lesbian

Last night I was all warm and cozy, all tucked into bed. My wife decided to crawled over me to get to her side, as she straddled me, she began to viciously dry hump me in the ass. Now this might come as a surprise to you, but not to me. She always does this. Every fucking time.

Night after night I get pretend sodomized by my wife. Every chance she gets, she vigorously, and often painfully grinds against my ass, hip or junk. Why does she do this? It's quite simply because she is a semi-closeted lesbian. I say semi because of this. She often tells me of a fem crush she has, she loves watching the L word, she is an Ellen fan, and a liberal. Do I need any more proof?

All I ask for is if she does finally get up the gumption to go ahead and have a lesbian love affair, that I get a taste too. Would it be too much to ask? To get thrown into the mix, I mean after all there is only so much that licking and fisting can accomplish before you need a hairy sweaty man to come in and finish up. At least let me be a towel boy or something. If that is not cool maybe let me video tape it, but at the very least get to watch. It would be only fair.

Dave is a cunt, the ESL cafe is for retarded glen beck fans (redundant?). All the mods at the ESL cafe can only orgasm from watching household animals fuck. Seriously, they need to watch kitty porn to jerk off. Its sick man. Do you really want to be judged by these people? They pop a boner every time sparky humps a leg. Its fucked up.

Sexy time

Yesterday after the ordeal with the test kwestions, I went home early! First I got invited to lunch.

"Would you rike to have runch with us?"

"Oh I dont know, what is lunch?"

"It is lice soup and Kim-chi."

"Oh that sounds good."

"With the juice of chicken, and dog."

"You know what, I am not really hungry."

I hear that Korean men eat the dog soup to Increase their Libidos and cure hangovers. I guess they are somehow related. But I need no help with my Libido my friend. I went home yesterday, and the kids were at Piano, my sister in Law was back in the states, and my wife was alone, in the bedroom. I was in the mood for some afternoon delight.

"Hi honey"

"What are you doing here?" (she is speaking to me again)

"I got out early, lets fuck."

"No."

"Why not"

"The kids are at piano, so I am writing my final." My wife, unlike me has no TESOL certification, and therefore gets 100,000 won less than me each month. In her contract it says once she gets a TESOL or TEFL 100 hour certification, she gets that bump in pay.

"All I am asking for is 5 minutes of your time."

"Quit trying to distract me, I have procrastinated enough, and I need to finish this!"

Dejected and neglected, I went to the living room and masturbated. I should have expected it though, I have been married for almost 13 years now. We already had sex this month, twice. Remember how angry she was at me for my Soju bender, well the night Asmith blogged about us we made sweet sweet love. I am not giving Asmith credit for it though, it was just a coincidence. That man doesn't need his ego to get any bigger than it already is.

It took me about a year to learn how to make that woman Cum during intercourse, but 13 years later, she had about 8 orgasms that night. The trick is getting the first one, I would compare the woman to a diesel engine on a cold winters day. It wont turn over until you get it nice and heated up, that oil needs to be nice and hot so that all the parts are lubricated and turning, and once you get that first ignition things run nice and smooth.

Then we had sex the following morning. She had 10 orgasms in the morning, which is surprising because she is not a morning person.

So I probably wont get another crack at it until Christmas, but you never know, I might have to wait till new years, if she reads this entry.

The ESL cafe is for queers, and chronic masturbaters. Dave and all the mods put the bag in Douchebag.

Silent treatment

Since my escapade with the good boys at the Jinro corporation's fine product Jinro Original, I will accept substitutes, my wife has been giving me the silent treatment. I dont really know why she thinks that is a punishment though.

Usually when we have dinner, she likes to monitor exactly how much food I have. She then enjoys complaining that I have taken too much. If I sit away from her, she will march over to me and peer into my bowl, mentally (emphasis on mental) calculating the proportion of dinner I have acquired for myself. Sometimes she will ask the children if they wanted more food, If no one says that they would enjoy more food, she then demands it for herself, regardless if there is any left in the pot or pan, she just wants mine. Last night she said nothing. I was able to eat my fill, and was not harassed in the slightest. It was a welcome relief.

I then decided to play games on my Xbox 360. She normally starts complaining almost immediately. I played until the graphics of Grand theft auto 4 started to give me motion sickness. She will play for hours on end, when she finds a game she likes. If I play, or our kids play for more than 15 minutes she grows incredibly upset. Last night she said nothing, it was a welcome relief.

I then retired to the bedroom. I watched silly videos on college humor, until I grew sleepy. Normally she follows me around wherever I go. She usually drags her own laptop with her, but monitors what I watch or do, complaining about the content, calling it stupid, and demanding that I watch some boring chick flick she downloaded. Sometimes she wants to watch episodes of the daily show, or some other program I enjoy, but then decides to do ten other things at the same time. She flits about while I sit bored waiting for her return. We watch about five minutes of the program, then she runs off again and demands it to be paused. A 22 minute episode of the daily show usually lasts a good hour to hour and 1/2. So last night I was able to watch videos uninterrupted and it was a welcome relief.

All in all I would say the silent treatment is working out pretty well for me. Sure there is no sex, but I have been married for almost 13 years so there is no sex anyway, silent treatment or not.

PS. Dave at ESL cafe is a douche, all the mods are douches, and anyone who still posts on it is a douche. Fuck dave, fuck the esl cafe, all the mods can go to hell.

감귤한알푸딩 = Feeling orange grudge the pudding which will know.