Christmas presents

When my sister in law returned to the states, my wife and I bought about $100.00 worth of fancy korean rice cakes, cookies and fermented bean paste thingies from the Hyundai department store. They were all in fancy packaging with Englishee descriptions of the contents. One description said that "the taste is quite tedious", and I wish I read that before I bought the darn things.

All my wife's family and my parents and younger brother were at her aunt's house for Chirstmas, so we thought they would love to try something new, fancy and exciting. Well my sister in law brought them out, and apparently only two people tried them, (two of my wife's cousins) and they said "they taste weird". No shit they taste weird, they are made out of fucking rice, like every god damn thing in this country.

My parents and brother showed up late, so my sister in law held back a box to give to them. They tried the candies and liked them. They also thought they were weird tasting, but good. For 100,000 won they better god damn taste good!

One of the best parts of traveling to other countries is trying the local foods. And if you are not the one traveling, to have strange delicacies sent to you is the next best thing. To not even taste something that was sent over 3000 miles, just for you is unforgivable in my book.

I cannot even find images of the stuff we sent over, and I really wanted to post some, they were so cool looking. They looked like eggs, and kiwis with flowers and fancy designs.

And people say koreans are afraid to try new things.

Its goddam candy, how bad could it taste? Its not like the shit is filled with kimchi and dog testicles. Well maybe a couple of them are, but still that would be something you never could forget, even if you wanted to.



Dave eats pieces of shit like you for breakfast, and you are what you eat. The mods at ESL cafe get off two girls one cup style.

Riddle me this?

My head Englishee Teacher wanted me to prepare an "Englishee Kiz" for the Pop song contest on Monday. I needed to "come up with" 20 riddles and "humorous" and "challenging" questions to ask the students for "prize of Snack".

"Fine" I said, "no problem", apparently forgetting what country I lived in and who I worked for. Like every time my head teacher wants me to do anything, she prints out a million copies of past examples she prepared. When she says "come up with" she means use these ones she prepared. When she says "humorous" she means not funny at all. When she says "challenging" she means make it so fucking easy that a retarded person with no English language ability should have no problem answering the question.

But being the stupid foreigner I am, I spent hours yesterday, in fact more time than I had ever spent on anything I have done here preparing for this quiz, inbetween updating my facebook of course. I probably spent two whole hours looking for funny riddles and dumbing them down for the kids.

I turned my first draft in. She did not even read them and told me they were too challenging. How do I know she did not read them, because I asked her which ones were too challenging, then she actually read them. And decided half of them were OK. She wanted me to switch out the too difficult ones with these, and I use the term loosely "riddles".

These are not edited.
1. Monkey like this fruit, it is long and yellow. Can you guess the answer?

How about this brain buster?

2. This Alphabet comes before D.
3. I am yellow. Mouse like me a lot. I am made from milk. Sometimes I smell bad. People like to eat me inside a hamburger or sandwich.

Here are the riddles that were too difficult.

1. A farmer carries a sack of grain to the barn, and his son carries two sacks. The farmer is carrying more weight than his son, why?
2. A young thief was caught and sentenced to death. The king let him choose how he would die. What would be the best way?
3. If a plane crashes on the border of North and South Korea, in which country should they bury the survivors?

Here is one that my Head teacher still cannot figure out.

A farmer had 17 sheep, and all but 9 died. How many are left?

A couple of those are pretty hard, but there are more than a few kids in my classes who excel at English, and I believe they could figure them out. But whatever in Kim chi Land you do as the Kim chi tells you.

Dave is a bastard. The ESL cafe is where good ideas go to die. All the mods are little kim chi dicks.

Nobody tells me shit.

I am not really complaining, I came in hungover, so I really dont care that I have not had a single class yet today. Will I have a class? I don't know, because as I mentioned in the title of this little essay, nobody tells me shit.

So I sit in my Englishee lab, isolated from the rest of the school, children's voices echoing through the hallways, running like "Johmbies" when the lunch bell rings. I sit and surf and eat and drink, it is peace full.

Will I have to make up these classes later? I don't know. Nobody tells me shit. I have not even seen my co-teachers today, I sat in the office for a little while and when I looked up the place was empty. My first class was suppose to start at 9:25 so I moseyed on down to the lab. It is darn near 12:20 and no one has shown up. Will they show up? I don't know, nobody tells me shit.

I have been perusing other peoples blogs, I am starting to get bored, but must fight the temptation to go to the fucking piece of shit garbage ESL cafe, where overlord cunt Dave sits with his stupid, smug, ugly face. He is looking down on you while he punishes those who dare to ask interesting and bold questions, while leaving the boring and plain to fester in mindless comments while stroking each others egos in a giant online circle jerk.

Maybe there is a new episode of Colbert up, I think I will check. I am not allowed to watch the daily show, unless my wife is present. But I think she cheats on me and watches Stewart at her office. I will catch her one of these days...