That time of the month.

I would like to dispute some lies written about me.

"I forbade him from killing Yau Guai in Fallout 3. I'm well known for my devotion to god, the gays, hopeless little douchey dinner dogs and pixilated endangered species! Why should he be allowed to run around the imaginary 50's themed nuclear wreckage killing poor giant beasts and eating their flesh when all they're trying to do is get by in a cruel, cruel, radioactive world? "

First of all, I don't go around murdering fake endangered species and devouring their flesh. I don't eat any flesh, be it real or pixilated. I am a vegan in real life and in fake life. That is why I, unlike my wife, took the time to make sure that when I leveled up, my charisma was high enough for me to obtain the animal friendship perk. Although I admit to whacking a couple of giant mole rats, only for quest purposes, I however felt no joy from it.

"I decide now is the perfect time for us to 'spend time together'. I follow him, crawl over him, and flop down beside him. He seems slightly unhappy with me. I can tell cause he's glaring at me.
"What are you glaring at me for?"
"That hurt!"
"Really?"
"Yeah! You just dug your bony fucking knees into my back! You have the whole bed to crawl around on, why do you have to pick the one part I'm on!"
That seemed pretty funny to me. I laughed and he stormed off."

OK, this actually happened. But I am sure that had anyone else had 135lbs of boniness hop onto their back that they would greet the situation with anything but enthusiasm, unless they are into that whole S&M thing, which I will not judge you for, no matter how perverted and disgusting of a human being you may be.

"This is by far the likeliest culprit: Mr. AwesomeEstrogen is on his man-rag. Like man-flu, man-rag is a serious life-threatening affliction with debilitating symptoms you women can't even begin to comprehend! Luckily, it only happens once or twice a month and all will be back to normal in 3-5 days."

If I was on my "Man Rag" I would be the one following her around, alternating between unrelenting nagging, physically abuse, and constant attention seeking. It may be that someone else is about to receive a visit from aunt flow, and I am simply the victim of a conspiracy being framed for having a mangina.



I say if the tampon does not fit, you must acquit!

Period

This morning I was minding my own business, checking out things on the interwebs, when my wife said to me:


"I started my period." period.

"OK." what did she want? Sympathy? Attention? Applause? Or was there something she was trying to tell me?



"Where you late?" If she was pregnant that would be rather unfortunate, especially since I have had a vasectomy. Either my tubes grew back together, or some anonymous sperm donor would need to be dispatched Dexter style, along with an unfaithful bitch wife.



"No, I am just telling you so you don't try anything."She told me rather Icily. So I guess I don't need to buy some duct tape, plastic bags and a bone saw anytime soon.

"Oh"

I am a morning person, and I sometimes try to get it on in the morning, but usually while we are both still in bed. We had been up for a while, and I was not trying any of my signature moves. Like the sly spooning with a tit grab, or the suggestive dry hump, or the "how about a blow job?" (very smooth when properly executed).

My wife is a night owl, and her signature move when she wants sex is the "go down on me." command, or suggestive dry hump, however executed anally, power top style.

So it just kind of struck me as odd. Of course she is having her period, so that sort of thing should be expected.